What We Learned From Prem Week 16


Is Samir Nasri The Best Player In The Prem?
It suddenly struck me on Saturday, probably just after he’d danced into Fulham’s penalty area, she-she’d around their defender and Mark Schwarzer and corkscrewed around to slot the ball in from a ridiculous angle for his second outstanding goal of the game, that Samir Nasri was actually quite good. Well, actually more than quite good, quite exceptional really. And it wasn’t the first time. Indeed, he’s consistently been Arsenal’s best player this season both in the Prem and the Big Cup. That’s 11 goals, 8 of which have been in the Prem, and most of those have been pretty impressive ones. So could it be that he’s actually currently the best player in the league?

Certainly none of the usual suspects have really distinguished themselves this season. The Drog (malaria ridden – excellent excuse), Malouda (great at the start of the season, now a pale shallow husk of himself), Greedy Stevie Me (hamstrung in so many ways), Essien (injured or suspended), Titface, Lumpy, Fabregas, and Torres (long-term injuries of various sorts) all seem to be suffering from World Cup hangovers (or in Essien’s case pre-World Cup). And don’t get me started on the continuing fall from grace that is the life of Chav Wanker.

In contrast this season, this mostly quality free season, Nasri has been almost singularly excellent. He’s been more consistent than Van der Vaart, who’s certainly been the best newcomer, and not as injured (there’s that World Cup hangover again). And others like Elmander, Tevez and, er, that’s about it, have merely flashed around in one or two games. In fact, the only real challenger seems to be Gareth Bale (who was also spared World Cup exertions) and while he’s been great against Inter and Arsenal, he hasn’t been quite as continually effective in the Prem.

Is It Acceptable To Hate Blackburn? Or Should It Just Be Made Compulsory?

The latest incarnation of the Fat Sam method of physical football. They epitomise everything that’s wrong with the Prem. A team who think barging, blocking and bad tackling are the basic building blocks of the game. A team and a gameplan built around quasi-legal physicality rather than any kind of ball-playing skills. They play mind-boggling anti-football, which makes the worst of Mourinho’s look like it was perfected on the playing fields of Barcelona. And they’re managed by someone who is so completely deluded that he honestly believes that he would be a winner at Real Madrid or Inter Milan (or that he’d even be hired by them). They are as evil as Sepp Blatter only without any of the redeeming features.

Is It Squeaky Bum Time Already Mother?

Blimey doesn’t time fly? Like the onset of Christmas, the annual Squeaky Bum Time festival just seems to creep up earlier and earlier. Time was the powers that be would wait until at least March before going all serious on us. This time you can be sure that Sky, never ones to miss a trick promotion-wise (what with every week having a Super Sunday and a Not-Quite-So-Super-But-We-Have-To-Televise-Them-Sometimes Monday almost every week) will have the Squeaky Bum bunting out in the studio before Christmas is even upon us.

However, this time they might actually have a point, what with this being the most open Prem ever and the Top Three due to go round robin on each other in December, it could be that the next four weeks will sort out the destiny of the Prem. Let’s see how it looks:

  • Arsenal (currently 32 pts) face Man U, Stoke, Chelski and Wigan
  • Man U (31 pts) face Arsenal, Chelski, Sunderland and Boremingham
  • Chelski (30 pts) face Tottingham, Man U, Arsenal and Bolton (ouch!)
  • Man City (29 pts) face West Ham, Everton, Newcastle and Villa
  • Tottingham (26 pts) face Chelski, Blackpool, Villa and Newcastle

Any one of the top three who win all their matches will be in pole position at the top of the table. But if you imagine that they all drop points (hardly a big stretch of the imagination given their performances this season) while City, who have the sort of easy run Chelski had at the start of the season, get the full 12/12, I can see Man City  being top at the end of the year. I’d be specially worried if I were Chelski, because I can now see them losing two, if not three of those games. Then we really have a battle on our hands.

Give Me Full On Football Action Baby

Make no mistake, Chelski are in trouble. We all said they’d start the season well given their first five fixtures were effectively gimmies, but wondered how they’d cope once they got to the big games. Sure they got their usual 3 points off Arsenal, but they were beaten by Man City and they’ve really not looked solid since, losing to Boremingham, Sunderland and Liverpool. Certainly against an Everton side that really can’t boast a single genuine striker, they looked terrifyingly average and Leighton Baines was awesome attacking down the left against first Bosingwa, then once he had been removed, Ferreira. Quite where Chelski’s mojo has gone (possibly it’s keeping recently sacked Ray Wilkins company) or how they’re going to get it back (possibly out of his cold, dead hands) is something of a mystery. Everton are no great shakes either. It’s not too serious to say that results in December will determine Chelski’s destiny for years to come. Where once their position in the top two was assured, they’re now part of a five way battle for the top four slots.

Arsenal took advantage in typical fashion, conceding goals as if they had the Engerland defence instead of France’s 3rd team stringers for centre halves, while scoring more goals, more beautiful goals than the opposition. In the same way that Arsenal used to be hideously predictable during their pre-Wenger ‘one nil to the Arsenal’ days, so their matches now follow a familiar, if radically different script. Early doors (as they say) Arsenal look imperious, have hundreds of shots and go ahead (often by at least two), only to suffer an inexplicable moral collapse around half time (often inspired by a catastrophic defensive error of some sort), then let the opposition back into the game and squeaky bum it to the finish line with varying results. Hardly the most convincing of gameplans. Nasri’s two goals were both outstanding pieces of individual skill capping excellent teamplay which cut the Fulham defence apart. And Fulham were poor. Mark Hughes’ choice to play a young Michael Briggs against Nasri was a massive tactical error and he was subbed during the first half.

Man U had for them a good week, given they didn’t play a game, while Blackpool had a week in the sun while their pitch was deep frozen by the weather. Maybe they should consider playing this type of match abroad in some kind of Match 39 sort of way in future. It’s actually great news for Blackpool, who don’t have to face a Man U still energised by their 7-1 thrashing of Real Blackburn and can now rack up some more points before having a potentially morale sapping thumping from one of the big boys.

Meanwhile back in Madchester, those pesky kids at Man City gave Bolton as total a one-nil pasting as it’s possible to give, only not in the assured style of the pre-Wenger ‘one nil to the Arsenal’ Arsenal. Given Match of the Day tries to be as neutral and unbiased as possible, sharing shots and possession equally in a strange kind of quasi-Stalinist fashion that rarely tells the real story of the game, the fact that they showed only one Bolton attack tells you all you need to know. Man City battered Bolton mercilessly and they were amazingly lucky to only lose by one. Mind you, they were absolutely terrible, with the kind of chase and run defence that was pulled all over the place by City. Sure not as bad as Real Blackburn were against Man U, but pretty bloody bad all the same. It’s hard to believe this is the same team that played so well in the second half against Blackpool last week, although on reflection it’s easy to see that they’re the same side who conceded two sloppy, set pieces to Blackpool in the first place. Still City were unable to convert 89 minutes of total domination into more than one goal and continue to show that if Tevez doesn’t score, then they don’t often get goals.

Tottingham showed that there is no position of supremacy that they’re not prepared to sacrifice in the pursuit of a successful season. Having stuffed Arsenal, Inter Milan and Liverpool Redsox recently, they once more underachieved by securing a draw with Boremingham. Admittedly they were without their inspirational talisman Van der Vaart, who is injured, and had offside regular Jermain Defoe back and consequently returned to last season’s form. Although, in contrast to their usual ‘give the opposition a goal or two to start’ style, they actually took the lead before allowing Boremingham back into the game. I always wondered how they would fare once Defoe came back, as I don’t think that they can successfully play Van der Vaart, Crouch and Defoe in the same team (although they did briefly at Arsenal and it seemed to work). Boremingham were as defensively obdurate and unattacking as ever. Their main attacking threat, Zigic, was shite.

Speaking of shite, Newcastle were thoroughly awful at West Brom. Hardly helped by their revolting sky blue away kit (at least Everton appear to have dumped their rancid pinky perky away kit), Newcastle were comfortably played off the park by Brom, with Tchoyi and Odemwinge taking them to the cleaners. Newcastle appear to miss the many talents of part-time criminal Jailbird Barton (currently suspended following his punch on Morton Gamst Pederson) more than previously thought. Having suggested last week that they might be comfortably safe, on this performance they’re not, which no doubt explains why manager Hughton has been given the heave-ho. West Brom, on the other hand, are putting in the kind of performances that scream mid-table survival, which for them is a massive improvement.

On Monday (one of Sky’s Not-Quite-So-Super-But-We-Have-To-Televise-Them-Sometimes Mondays naturally), Liverpool Redsox somehow conspired to utterly muller Villa. These are two failing states of Prem football, both undergoing rebuild or bust seasons, both waiting for the UEFA financial fair play rules to kick in and lower (surely level – ed) the playing field, allowing them both to play catch up without going horrendously bust. Of the two, Villa seem to have the most untapped potential, with a group of talented youngsters to fall back on. But on this showing untapped is where it’s staying. Even with the pace of Albrighton and the return of Agbonlahor, Villa look toothless upfront and poor at the back. Liverpool look like they’ll have to buy another job lot of scandewegian offcuts to shore up their defence and I don’t think they trust Uncle Wroy’s judgement enough to let him loose with their chequebook. Still a mere 10 points off the top probably makes this a pretty good season so far for the Soxers.

For Wigan, Wolves and West Ham fans it wasn't going to be a pleasant journey through the promised land of the Prem

Meanwhile, life on suicide watch gets harder and harder. No sooner is hope glimpsed than it is rudely taken away again. It’s almost as if the Prem is deliberately torturing those teams lingering like pre-dead zombies in the basement region, crudely chucking them rancid husks of flesh to just about keep their hearts beating. Certainly, if I were Wolves, I’d feel that being spanked by Real Blackburn (the same Real Blackburn who capitulated so completely to Man U last week) was the greatest of insults and the most cruel of morale sappers. Especially after Wolves had gone to all that trouble to beat Sunderland last week. But if you will play bad football and be unlucky, you’re going to get what you deserve.

West Ham joined in the communal slapping of the Prem’s down and outs, losing gamely to Sunderland. Admittedly they were away and they had played (and won) a Carling Cup match against Man U a few days before, but that’s really no excuse. At some point they need to convert vaguely good attacking performances and the midfield threat of Parker and Specter into actual points or they’re stuffed. And that would scupper their plans to be given a shiney new stadium after the Olympics.

Of the three walking dead, only Wigan can have retained any sense of hope after this weekend. They at least got a point at home to Stoke. However, you could argue that a point at home isn’t really enough and that both West Ham and Wolves were playing away. Still it’s points that win prizes and today Wigan have the same number of points as 17th place Fulham and are a win above both the Hammers and the Wolves.

Rob Green Save Of The Day

We may have to rename this, or simply replace it with the Pascal Chimbonda Backpass Disaster Prize as Everton’s Phil Neville stepped up to the plate with a backpass of such inspired lameness it practically invited Anelka to slot it a la Berbatov last week. That he chose instead to blatantly run into Tim Howard (no stranger to the Rob Green award btw) for the most bought of bought penalties is a reflection of just how traumatised Chelski are at present. Anyway, it was a class backpass, made all the more juicy because you could almost see it coming in a strange, real time slow motion as Neville first got the ball, thought about passing it forward, then lost his nerve totally, surrendering like a broken showpony and becoming, if only for an instant, the lowest bitch on Chelski’s roasting pole. It was like watching the blood draining out of a man whose confidence has been excised with a scythe. Unlike Chimmy, who has been told to sling his hook from Real Blackburn (which takes some doing baring in mind their performance against Man U), Neville is likely to continue to play for, if not captain, Everton if only because they don’t have two pennies to rub together to replace him.


Games: 8 Cars That Really Should Be In Gran Turismo


Can’t Believe They Missed Out On These

Given the Gran Turismo team have spent upwards of 5 years digitising cars in hideous detail and that they seem to have extended the remit of the game from the racetrack to all aspects of driving, it’s strange that they haven’t been a bit more ambitious in terms of the cars they’ve chosen. Here are some cars I’d like to see in any impending update.

African Technical ‘War Wagon’

Generic African Technical. Not sure how the suspension would deal with recoil at 100mph plus

Recipe. Take one flat bed truck of some sort, favourite brand usually some kind of Isuzu, and add an unusually powerful anti-aircraft or anti-personnel ordnance. Garnish with a host of extraneous militiamen casually draped off the sides and drive at indiscreet speed all over the place.

It seems to me that the GT boys have missed a trick in failing to include any vehicles with offensive capability. It would certainly add spice to those awkward dodgem-like starts where autonomous cars attempt to run you off the track. Imagine running around one of the banked oval tracks blowing holes in the opposition.

German WW2 Half Track

Easy commuting for the German soldier. Notice the lame attempt at camouflage. Or maybe they're Xmas decorations.

Having spent many hours building Tamiya models, I am intimately familiar with the German half track or SD.KFZ.251/1. Given the team has already included the Kubelwagon typ 82 and Schwimmwagon typ 166, it seems obvious to extend the range of their WW2 offerings. Should add interest to the dirt and snow track racing. All in all it’s a bit like sprinkling Gran Turismo with a little bit of Call Of Duty‘s guns and ammo stardust.

American DUKW

Half Car, Half Boat. All I want for Christmas is the DUKW-la Prague Away Kit.

Continuing the WW2 theme, I’ve always liked the amphibious DUKW, which is surely one of the most unlikely cars around, kind of like the Duck-billed Platypus. This would add a whole new dimension to the GT world, allowing a range of steeplechase-like races with additional water features. Watch out for the hidden underwater mines.

Big, Big Monster Trucks

If you're going to have trucks, make mine a monster

Given the hell I had actually finding any kind of truck in the 1,000 plus used car lot, it seems obvious that what Gran Turismo is really missing is trucks, right proper monster trucks. The bigger and more monstrous they are, the better. Ideally we should have super armoured, grotesquely over-accessorised behemoths that we can run at one another in some kind of pit-like racing circuit. Forget laptimes and concentrate on ramming your truck into all the others like a bunch of demented Walruses on heat.

And While We’re On The Subject

If you're going to go down the idiot boy truck route...

If we’re going to be all macho American idiot boy about the whole truck thing, then we might as well have the Pussy Wagon from Kill Bill. Imagine roaring around the online tracks armed only with this, most moronic of vehicles.

Being Serious For A Moment

Classic Grand Prix cars. Those were the days eh?

I always loved the classic Grand Prix of the 1960’s, with the cars shaped like crude guided missiles with go-kart wheels. These were epitomised by the movie Grand Prix starring James Garner of Rockford Files fame. The Gran Turismo team should extend its remit to the classic racing cars of these days. Almost like the reverse of the success CoD had in updating their WW2 setting. Kind of like a Grand Prix regression kit.

And Naturally There’s Bond

No well-dressed Englishman should be without one

Surely what GT5 is really missing is a whole pile of Bond related cars, some of the most recognisable on the planet. Take the Aston Martin from Goldfinger, with all the trimmings naturally. The oil-squirting defensive weapons would cause chaos behind you, while the ramming units mounted in the bumpers would add a certain je ne sais quoi to the AI’s bumpercar mentality.

And Bond

Dirt racing would never be the same again.

Or how about the moon buggy from Diamonds Are Forever? That would be class. Obviously it has a top speed of about 5mph, which isn’t that great, but the funky arms would be useful for taking out any of the opposition.


What We Learned From Prem Week 15


Baby, Baby, Baby, Where Did Our Defence Go?

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a defender

For the first time in the history of the Prem everyone’s defence went missing, with a record number of goals scored and not one single team in the top flight  able to keep a clean sheet. Not one. And rather than being a sign of a growing attack minded tactical development in the league, or even an increase in genuine attacking quality as Match of the Day would have it, it’s yet another example of the continuing decline in quality of football in the Prem. Personally, I can’t think of a single Prem defender who can be realistically called world class, certainly none who are of the stature achieved by, say, Fabio Cannavaro during the 2006 World Cup or Barcelona’s Carlos Puyol during the last World Cup. The only one who even comes close is Chelski’s Ashley Cole and even he isn’t having the best of seasons.

If you look at the defensive records of the various Prem teams, none are particularly good. Admittedly there are few surprises, the four best defences belong to, guess who, the top four teams, while the worst three are West Ham, Wolves and, a little surprisingly, Blackpool, which doesn’t bode well for the Seasiders. But, let’s face it, none of the big four have a defence that has even the shallowest sheen of defensive impregnability as this Goals Conceded extract from the table tells us.

  1. Chelsea – 10
  2. Man City – 12
  3. Man U – 16
  4. Arsenal – 17

You sense that the Prem is really missing the likes of Viera, Keane (Roy not Robbie), Makelélé and Carvalho, who’ve left or retired (or in the case of Viera, effectively retired while still picking up Prem style wages – a good trick if you can manage it). Meanwhile, it’s clear that former defensive giants Rio, Vidic, Titface, Carragher, Touré and Sol Campbell are past their best to varying degrees, increasingly lacking pace and bedevilled by long-term injuries. And who are we replacing them with? Ivanovic and Alex at Chelsea? Evans and Smalling at Man U? The perma-injured Vermaelen and Koscielney at Arsenal? Kompany and Kolo Touré at Man City? None of these screams defensive invulnerability to me. Those championing defenders from teams like Bolton, Everton and Boremingham would do well to look at their overall defensive record before bigging them up too much.

It’s not clear what the solution to this is. Man City aside, few clubs want to spend big on a defender and it’s far from clear that the clubs are capable of training youngsters to be anything other than hoofing clumpers, barely capable of holding their own in the Prem, and utterly unsuited to the European game.

Crikey That World Cup Hangover Is Still With Me

It’s no wonder that clubs hate the international game with a vengeance. And not simply because it hijacks their best players and delivers them back tired, crocked or otherwise damaged (so much for building your side around a particular player), but because of the lingering, long-term effects of tournaments like the World Cup. If you look at the effect of winning it on, say, Torres, Fabregas, Reina and Barcelona it’s clear that there is a considerable World Cup hangover, a combination of having achieved your overwhelming footballing ambition and the kind of deep seated tiredness (both physical and mental) that comes with having played competitive top flight football almost continuously for the best part of four years, Spain having played through Euro 2008, the Confederations Cup and World Cup 2010.

Is it any wonder that the likes of Torres, Fabregas, Van Persil, Greedy Stevie, The Drog, Titface, Lumpy, Rio and Chav Wanker are clearly still struggling with form and susceptible to injuries? Or that World Cup absentees who had the summer off like Nasri or were merely bit part players like Van De Vaart, two of the few real highlights of this Prem season, have come into their own?

So All The Games Were Garbage Then?

Weeeeeeelll. No. Not in so many words. Man City‘s thoroughly tedious, if predictable, draw at Stoke aside, most of the games were thoroughly enjoyable in a desperate unsophisticated kick and rush Prem style. And even this match had two moments of real class. Micah Richards, who has beefed up to almost Balotelli proportions, displayed an unusually deft piece of footwork, turning his marker on the edge of the area, to score Man City’s, while a sweet backheel from Tuncay played Etherington in for Stoke’s equaliser. One benefit of flat, unmoving defences is that quick flicks will stun them much more effectively than long hoof-n-hopers, but two good moments in 90 minutes is hardly a ringing endorsement of Prem quality.

Fat Sam once again enhanced his self-inflated Engerland credentials by taking his Real Blackburn to Man U and rolling over in even more spectacular fashion than they did at Liverpool the other week. And they didn’t even have the excuse of missing their ‘big man’ Samba. However, it’s well known that Fat Sam always rolls over for Ferguson, so it was no surprise. And Man U did their best to take advantage, spanking Real at every opportunity, Berbatov getting five, two of which were the sort of lucky tap ins that most days would be easily saved or blocked. Nani looks to be increasingly like a gamechanging player. Chav Wanker looks to be retreating into that Paul Scholes role in midfield, which wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing for him.

Arsenal did their best to put aside a pretty frightful week (losing to both Tottingham in the prem and Braga in the Big Cup) by putting the boot into Aston Villa. It was, in many ways, a typical Arsenal performance, they totally dominated the first half but only managed to score twice, then conspired to almost kneecap themselves by letting Villa get back into the game. Still they showed great resolve to grab the initiative and make it 1-3 almost immediately after Villa scored and it was nice to see Wilshere get his first Prem goal for the club. And while it was clear they are defending from the front, with both Song and Wilshere covering in midfield, the defence still looks very shakey. Still, two points behind the leaders, level with Chelski, with the fourth best defence in the Prem and seven points ahead of supposed super team Tottingham, that’s a crisis that most teams would be happy to have. Villa, meanwhile, who have a more serious crisis, have to decide whether they’re going to genuinely trust in the youngsters, which would be exciting and, probably, effective over time, but won’t get you short term results.

Chelski conspired to shoot themselves in the foot, what with Alex and Cech conspiring to conjure a Newcastle goal out of a simple backpass, losing the top spot in the Prem for the first time this season. Their tame draw at Newcastle exposed a side that seems to have completely lost its way. The previously formidable force of Malouda, Anelka and The Drog seems to be as threadbare as an overwalked carpet. It’s clear that without Essien in midfield Chelski are far less effective. Newcastle look certain to maintain their position in the Prem, which is what they were aiming for at the start of the season.

Apparent champions of North London (even if they’re still seven points behind Arsenal), Tottingham reaffirmed their new-found Big Four arrivista credentials by comfortably beating the dead dog (and former Big Four member) that is Liverpool Redsox. Spurs at White Hart Lane seem to be riding a wave of euphoria and adrenalin, and while they keep conceding the lead you get the sense that they just don’t want to lose, hence Lennon’s injury time winner. And while Torres was far better, some of his flicks and dinks were right lovely, he can’t make up for the many, many inadequacies of this Liverpool team.

Having had to eat our words regarding the former strike drought known as Elmander, we’ve going to have to take back our description of Bolton as ‘ a rancid sick sack of tedium and defensive hoofery’. Playing an ebullient Blackpool, who are always great value for money, it was as if the tables had been turned. If you’d said one of these teams would score two from set pieces and one would score two great goals, no one would have guessed that it would be the Seasiders who got a couple from corners and plucky Bolton who scored two fantastic goals. The second, especially, a combination of four great passes in the penalty area was a thing of rare beauty.

Everton continued their slide into mediocrity by meekly lying down to West Brom. It’s symptomatic of the stress around the club that Arteta was sent off for stamping and Cahill was caught raking his studs down the calf of one of his opponents.West Brom showed the form that did for Arsenal. It’s just a shame they can only managed it on a ‘once a month’ basis.

Fulham again managed to scrape a draw out of a potential defeat at home to Boremingham. Like Everton they lack any kind of a strikeforce capable of unlocking even these poor quality defences. Boremingham play away looking for draws, but it was nice to see Hleb dribbling about again.

Down at the dustbin of relegation, West Ham apparently ‘saved’ their season by narrowly stuffing a terrifyingly bad Wigan side shorn of its strikeforce through suspension. Scott Parker aside, it’s hard to see where the quality is going to come from for the ‘Appy ‘Ammers. Just as Tottingham seem to have inherited much of the FA Cup winning Portsmouth side, so West Ham seem to have been landed with the detritus of the  ‘relegated last year’ Portsmouth side, who appeared promising but still went down. There’s no evidence that any of them have improved over the past 12 months and it may be that any promise from Piquionne et al will garner the same results.

Even tardy tackling Wolves were up on the scoresheet against Sunderland, who are fast losing the shine from their win over Chelski a while ago. And they even won. And they were without captain and inadequate tackler Henry. Coincidence? I don’t think so. However, like West Ham they still find themselves 3 points adrift from safety.  And like West Ham, Everton, Wigan, Fulham and Aston Villa (coincidentally the teams immediately around them) it’s unclear where their goals are going to come from. And with no attack and useless defences, where does that leave the Prem?

Rob Green Save Of The Week

I keep almost fogetting this bit, what with keepers preferring to actually, well, keep properly. Again there was no one goalkeeping howler that really slapped you around the face. Instead we have the genius that is Real Blackburn’s Pascal Chimbonda with a backpass so weak and feeble that it made Alex’s mistake look like the epitome of great defending. As the ball meekly made its way to the edge of the box Berbatov was able to not only pounce on it, but spend a moment looking somewhat bemused in that kind of ‘I am still onside aren’t I?’ way before realising that, obviously, he was onside and calmly slotting it past Robinson for his second and Man U’s 3rd.


What We Learned From Prem Week 14


Never Mind The Quality, Feel The Width

It was a bad week for the big teams in London, in fact a bad week for all the teams in London unless you’re Tottingham, who out-thought, outfought and generally outdid an Arsenal side who seem to have thought that the game had finished after 45 minutes. It was a great week for Man U, who not only managed to hold on to a win against a reduced-to-9-men Wigan, rising to joint top of the table in the process, but saw the dubious return of Chav Wanker. Indeed, with Man City finally scoring goals again it was an excellent week for both sides of Manchester.

But the overall impression is that this season manages to intertwine two narrative strands. The first is that for a variety of reasons, the impending UEFA Financial Fair Play rules, the UK tax laws and the introduction of the 25 man Premiership squad among them, the quality of players in the Prem has diminished. Few genuinely world class players have arrived (and remember Real Madrid were desperate to offload Van der Vaart), while the few we had have been diminished. The second, possibly the result of the first, is that the quality of football of the best sides has declined. And with some of the trailing pack, Tottingham, Bolton, Man City among them, improving, the league has become more competitive, if only on a lower, more mediocre level.

The result means that no team is running away with the title. Yet despite ‘Appy ‘Arry saying that the Prem is more open than ever, the top 4 will undoubtedly come from the top six teams (or being really honest five of the top six as Bolton won’t make it beyond the Europa League places). The bottom two look set in stone. And the midtable stodge is greater than ever. Witness the lack of enthusiasm for Monday’s Sunderland Everton tie. Witness the lack of Prem players in the Ballon d’Or shortlist, which also contains no English players at all.

As further evidence of the decline in Prem standards consider the chances for English teams in the Big Cup. With Chelski out of form, Man U playing well below their previous high standards, Arsenal being defensively incompetent and Tottingham an unknown quantity, does anyone really expect an all-English final, or even two teams in the semis unless they get the luck of the draw?

Holy Moley, Is There Any Good News (Or Should I Just Kill Myself Now)?

I guess the third narrative strand is that we’re beginning to see an emergence of new, young talent, and I don’t mean the long-awaited promised land of a successful Arsenal side. It’s almost as if we’re witnessing the end of a sclerotic period of overblown excess as high priced, old has-beens are shuffled off into the sunset in favour of cheaper, younger, possibly less proven youngsters taking their places. Aston Villa under Houllier are blowing away the logjam imposed by Martin O’Neil, Chelski are regularly fielding two or three young players on their bench if not their first team, while Arsenal have seen Wilshere break his way into the team.

Games, Games, Games

If there’s one thing we’ve really learnt this week, it’s that Arsenal aren’t likely to win anything soon, but this is nothing really new. Their capitulation to a buoyant Tottingham side tells us what we’ve all known for years, they are mentally weak, lack leadership on the field and have no idea how to defend. Going forward they are immaculate. Certainly their forward play in the first half was beautiful, their goals splendid, but once again they showed a defensive naivety exhibited only by the likes of Wolves and West Ham. It’s unclear what the problem is, but Wenger clearly has some kind of a mental block where defending, or defensive coaching is concerned. I can’t think of a genuinely world class central defender playing for Arsenal since the Adams Winterburn partnership Wenger inherited when he arrived. Oh alright, possibly Sol Campbell. But since then, nada. And Vermaelen doesn’t count because he’s now as crocked as Van Persil.

This weekend Tottingham’s midweek Big Cup opponents Werder Bremen were caned  4-0 by the aptly named, if 15th in the table, Shalke 04. Their similarity to Arsenal, the presence of useless defender Mickael Silvestre, who was way past his best  well before he left Man U to become another stopgap Arsenal defender. The list of mediocre Arsenal central defenders under Wenger is a sad and sorry tale, typified by what regulars call The Senderos Years, and the purchase over the summer of low graders like Squillachi (at 30 obviously yet another stopgap signing) and Koscielny (who clearly is having trouble adapting to the Prem). It’s clear that Wenger needs to do what so many have called for for years, buy one or two genuinely experienced, on-field leaders to bring his team forward.

Tottingham, by contrast, are flying. Albeit with fewer points than Arsenal and a defence that is every bit as pourous and inept as Arsenal’s. Their recent matches against Inter, Bolton and Blackburn have been rip-roaring occasions, if only because Spurs regularly give their opponents a couple of goals for starters. When asked what lessons he had learnt after their 4-3 pasting/Bale inspired fightback at the San Siro, you sensed that Redknapp’s only answer should have been, “don’t give Inter a 4 goal lead”. Will they win the league this season? No chance, not least because if they make it into the latter stages of the Big Cup they will hit the wall hard. Will they remain in the top 4? It’s between them, Man City and Arsenal for the last two places.

Meanwhile, Chelski continue to implode. How much of a twat does Essien feel for that inane two footed leap at Clint Dempsey in the 93rd minute which got him a straight red and a 3 match ban? Because without him, Titface, and Lumpy, Chelski’s spine is looking very dubious. Certainly new boy Ramires and Mikel aren’t a solid midfield spine. And it’s clear that a below par Drog playing against a notoriously solid defence is not the attacking threat he might be.  Boremingham have built on their umpteen low grade, low score draws and have a reliable strong defence and a stunning ability to spot goalkeeping talent – last year they got Joe Hart on loan, this year they have Ben Foster. And as Arsenal have found to their cost, a good keeper will save you points in the key, big games, while a bad one will just concede goals.

Man U kept on keeping on. Playing badly and winning. And they were aided by some chaotic playing by Wigan, who did themselves no favours by having two players sent off for inept, catastrophically poor fouls. Not even the appearance of the newly bemoneyed Chav Wanker could lift this match above mediocre.

Surprise package Bolton managed to do what neither Man U not Arsenal could, played well and won. Winning being a euphemism for ‘giving Newcastle a right good stuffing’. Lovely to see Kevin Nolan give away the first penalty. And once again Elmander played a blinder and scored twice.

Man City also appeared to have unblocked themselves and suffered a discharge of goals. And in a beautiful moment of hubris it was former manager Mark Hughes and his Fulham team who were on the receiving end. They still look like a work in progress, but they will be in contention for the Europa Little Cup and the top four.

Blackpool continue to surprise and astonish. A beneficiary of the downgrading of Prem quality, they have phenomenal team spirit and odd moments of genius. Their first goal against a shambolic Wolves reinforced Blackpool’s notions of style over hoofery and Wolves’ disturbing habit of conceding in the first 10 minutes. Blackpool might not win anything, but they’re more likely to stay up than Wolves are and they’re way, way better to watch.

Liverpool continue to surprise and astonish. Sure they gave a shambolic West Ham a right good spanking, but there’s nothing there. Most interestingly, they won easily without Greedy Stevie. Is he going to just walk back into the side in a month’s time if they continue to win?

Down in the stodge of mid-table mediocrity, up and comers Stoke continued their nice progress by beating a fast-falling West Brom side. Still the latter needn’t worry. There are at least three teams starting with W who are worse than they are in the Prem. Even Real Blackburn managed a win, albeit against a youthful, experimental Villa side. And either Everton or Sunderland could get a really big 3 points this evening. But more likely the dour defence of the former will overcome the Chelsea win enthused attack of the latter. Expect Darren Dullboy Bent to replace Asamoah Gyan with his usual toothless charm.

Rob Green Save Of The Day

No question of the winner this week. After all, with Engerland keepers Ben Foster and, incredibly, Rob Green having good days, there was only one place to go. Once again the Entire Arsenal Defence wins for their complete inability to defend a simple ‘hoof it to the big man’ gambit from Spurs. The sight of the entire defensive line coagulating around Defoe as the ball sped on its merry way to an unmarked Bale was as emotionally devastating as it was funny. This lot could lose a one person fight with themselves. In the dark. With one hand tied behind their backs.


What We Learned From Prem Week 13


When You Are Tired Of Football, You Are Tired Of Life

True, I may not be completely tired, but I am somewhat exhausted. Three full weeks of Prem in 9 days has taken it out of me and, it would seem, the teams and players. How else can you explain the events of Week 13? How else can you explain that no one, not one team, managed to score 3 wins? The best attempt being  from mid-table mediocrities Bolton and Sunderland, who both took a commendable 7 points. And, yes, I know that the best teams should be used to playing weekends and midweeks, but there was something about having a full set of Prem matches midweek that seems to have piled on the pressure. And not in a good way.

The result? A plethora of nil-nils of various shapes and sizes and more draws than we’ve seen since the middle of October. Sure there were some upsets, but they too seem to be the result of overload as much as ambition on the part of the victors (and make no mistake there was ambition in places). But now we’ve got an international week and everyone can take a break as top stars pull out of ‘meaningless friendlies’ with an assortment of strategic niggles, knocks and pulls. Naturally, all will be fit again come next Saturday.

Evolution Or Revolution?

That said, it has been interesting seeing how teams have been developing over the course of the season so far. And this season that development has  seemed more apparent than ever. Just as teams grow into World Cups and European Championships, so teams in the Prem have to adapt and grow as the season progresses to take advantage of the strengths and weaknesses of both themselves and others. Take how Wolves have evolved from dour hack and kick merchants to vaguely pacey wingplayers as Hunt and Jarvis come into fitness and form. Or how Sunderland have adapted their play to the talents of Asamoah Gyan as Darren Bent has been injured. And if the story of this week is about anything its about the effects of these little revolutionary adaptations. Certainly those teams that are seizing the day are being rewarded.

Gimmie Games

Possibly the best example of both the exhausting effects of the last 9 days and the evolution of teams was the Chelski Sunderland tie. Chelski, fresh off an away slapping from the Liverpool Redsox and a home win against Fulham, looked like a spent force, the heart might have been willing but there was nothing left in the tank. And in some cases there was little evidence that the heart was there either. With Essien out of their midfield there appears to be little backbone there, Ramieres being somewhat spindly while Obi Mikel still appears more lumbering than lethal. Add to that a makeshift central defence and you’ve got a recipe for trouble. Still with The Drog, Anelka, Malouda, Cole, Bosingwa and Cech in the side they should still be formidable. And yet they were thoroughly bossed by a Sunderland team who’d been utterly destroyed by Newcastle earlier in the month. Playing two up front and harrying Chelski mercilessly, Sunderland showed that Chelski, like Arsenal, don’t appear to enjoy it when sides take the game to them, pressing them all over the pitch, denying them time and space in their own half. And with Onuoha’s outstanding ‘dribble through the defence’ goal we saw the first signs of a defensive collapse at Chelski.

Some have suggested that Chelski’s problems stem from their summer ship out of ailing and aging former greats, citing the presence of youngsters like McEachran, Kakuta and Van arnolt on the bench as evidence of their less capable extended team, but I disagree. Sure they’ve lost Bollocks, Deco, Joke Cole, and Carvalho, but it’s only the latter who seems to be genuinely missed, being the outstanding defensive mainstay alongside Titface for a number of seasons. The rest aren’t pulling up trees in their new clubs and seem to be spending more time on the treatment table than the pitch to be honest.

The real kudos has to go to Steve Bruce for tactically outsmarting Chelski with his attacking two up front line up and to Gyan, Onuoha and Wellbeck for taking their goals so well. Make no mistake Sunderland have got over the psychological damage of that Newcastle result and have inflicted considerable psychic pain on Chelski too.  Chelski’s next match, away to Boremingham looks like it could be pretty tasty.

The only sad thing for Sunderland was that Onuoha’s goal won’t be Goal of the Season as, astonishingly, it wasn’t even Goal of the Week. That was Bolton‘s second against Wolves. Now previously we may have given the impression that Elmander was a useless waste of space who couldn’t score if he was given an open goal, but here he gave an impression of Messi-like omnipotence as he danced his way through an apparently impenetrable box of four Wolves defenders, none of whom was more than a yard away from him, with some dazzling footwork before sliding the ball into the corner of the net. And with an Arsenal-like defence splitting threesome pass-pass-shoot move from Davies, Lee and Holden for their third, Bolton look like a team transformed. Another case of genuine evolution over the course of the season so far. Wolves, too, look far superior to the  side that was being savaged (and doing the savaging) earlier this season. Admittedly, it doesn’t seem to have done them any good as they still have the worst form in the league and are really down among the dead men, but they have just played all the big teams in the last month. With this form, all they need is someone to slot the ball into the net with something approaching regularity and they should be OK.

If Elmander’s goal was a treat, Stoke‘s first against Liverpool Redsox was a return to the primary school playground. A horrorshow, from Liverpool’s point of view, saw the ball ricochet around the penalty area as pretty much the whole Redsox team went awol, chasing the ball around the box like demented, unsophisticated eight year-olds as first one then another Stoke striker tried to gamely force it into the net. Eventually Pocket Drog Ricardo Fuller toe poked it in to pile on the misery for unambitious Uncle Wroy and his boys, leaving them just 3 points above the dropzone. How this drab, ineffective team beat Chelski is a real mystery.

No mystery to how Arsenal managed to beat Everton. As Phil Neville said, “we just couldn’t boss them”. This time Arsenal won, if not dirty, then certainly muddied and unbowed as they pressed Everton around the pitch and didn’t allow the home side to pressurise them. In the midst of this they took advantage of Everton’s defensive lapses. Their second goal, while not as classically Arsenal as Bolton’s third, was a masterpiece of close footplay, taking out the entire Everton defence in three lethal passes. Possibly the most interesting element of the whole match was the way Arsenal players kept going “Come On!” to their teammates, an indication that, to them, this match really mattered.

Tottingham seem to have got over their post-European blues (about bloody time) as they gave Fat Sam’s Real Blackburn a right good thumping. As they say Real were lucky to only concede four as Spurs missed a hatful of chances and a penalty and gave them two gimmie goals at the end to make Real feel less thoroughly spanked. The notion that Fat Sam might either, manage Engerland, or, successfully manage in Europe, seems like the height of folly and delusion. Oh wait, it was the height of folly and delusion.

Villa‘s own evolutionary project seems to be coming on apace, aided by injuries to useless lumpen forwards Donkey and Carew. Certainly Agbonlahor’s return and his link up play with Ashley Young seems to have sparked the pair into life. And aided by a cohort of new, young players, they gave Man U a seriously painful time before rather predictably giving away a two goal lead in the last ten minutes. When even your manager says, “When I saw them score the first, I knew they’d score a second”, it’s not a ringing endorsement of progress to date.

In the only other three point thriller (oh alright three point slumber), Wigan just about did enough to beat a West Brom team that doesn’t seem to know where it’s going. One week they’re great, beating Arsenal away and moving to 5th in the table, the next they’re playing poorly and losing to an ineffective also-ran side.  On this evidence, both teams look set to struggle.

No goals in the remaining three matches, but what a contrast in style, ambition and verve. West Ham‘s match against Blackpool was a masterpiece of ambition, character and enthusiasm over skill and effectiveness, with apparently 45 shots only 4 of which were judged to be on target.  Truly this was primo knockabout stuff, with Blackpool, as always, going for it and West Ham desperate for some kind of point-related lifeline. However, neither had the skill to really make an impact, and when they did, eventually, have shots on target, their respective keepers were more than up to the challenge.

In total contrast, Man City‘s dour draw with Boremingham was as tedious as the most dreary Italian catenaccio ever. You have to worry that, in a week when Steve Bruce dared to take the game to Chelski away from home and came away with three points, the height of Dullberto Mancini’s ambition seems to have been to take a point at home from Boremingham, who are themselves the very definition of unambitious. Admittedly, this is a man who threw away a top four finish last year when he lost at home to fellow challengers Tottingham in May by playing far, far too defensively. And having spent something in the region of a grazillion pounds revamping that team, he still finds that he has no significant attacking options beyond Carlos Tevez. Just think City could have been playing Inter Milan in the Big Cup this season if only Mancini had some bollocks.

Finally, Fulham‘s nil-niller at Newcastle was a case of both teams running out of steam at the end of this gruelling three match/nine day period. While exhibiting more skill and control than either West Ham or Blackpool, neither team could manufacture that killer blow. Once again, Fulham’s goose-shit green strip failed to do anything more than make them look anonymous and lost all over the pitch. Newcastle, meanwhile, missed the skill of the suspended Joey Barton, which is really damning them with faint praise.

Rob Green Save Of The Day

With exhaustion dogging the heels of every keeper, there wasn’t really any one standout goalline fuckup. Sure, both Wolves’ contribution to Bolton’s first, a spectacularly headed own goal, and Real Blackburn’s contribution to Tottingham’s third, were taken into consideration, but both appeared to be more the result of fine pressing from the attacking team than actual keeping catastrophes. No, the real winner has to be the entire Liverpool Redsox team for their comic efforts to stop Stoke’s first goal. As pretty much the whole team rushes about the box like extras in the under attack Star Trek command centre, now to the left, now to the right, Reina is left as little more than a spectator, feeling, as you would, that with about 9 of his own players slap bang in front of him the ball can’t possibly get through. By the time he sees it it’s in the back of the net.


What We Learned From Prem Week 12


If A Week’s A Long Time In Politics…

Then it’s an absolute age in Football. This week sees the Prem attempt to compress 3 weeks worth of fixtures into 9 days, with all the intensity of a small child stuffing too many sweets into its overstretched maw. Truly the Prem’s eyes are bigger than its stomach, but what the hell, next week’s an International week and we will be having no Prem, so best to stuff up on it now in the hope that we will be able to sustain ourselves over the barren wilderness of Euro 2012 qualifiers and friendlies.

The Prem Is Like A Rapidly Balding Old Geezer

The Prem after week 12. Hmmmm. Look at all that flabby white underbelly.

Formed in 1992, the Prem has entered its grizzly adolescence, but seems to be showing dangerous signs of advancing rapidly to some kind of toxic middle age. Most noticeably there seems to be something of a thinning on the top and a distinct bulge around the middle. This is due to an increase in what the new American owners of Liverpool have termed ‘Stodgeball’, overweight, flabby football that owes little to innovation, tactics or skill but is rather the side effect of clubs remaining in the Prem bereft of any ambition other than to avoid relegation. Stodgeball gives us untidy unwatchable matches between journeyman teams like Sunderland, Bolton and, it must be said, the New Liverpool, packed with little action and few moments of real joy. And like some self-conscious old duffer, the Prem is trying hard to conceal its rapidly growing paunch of mediocrity, in their case behind a wardrobe of extra large Super Sunday / Wonderful Wednesday branded sports attire. But as they say, the table never lies.

Just below that deadly layer of flab is what doctors call the ‘silent killer’, a layer of teams either struggling to come to terms with the division, say Blackpool, or barely adequate to hover above the relegation zone, boredraw specialists, ineffective in attack and relatively incompetent in defence. Content only that there are three teams marginally less able than themselves.

It’s Boredraws Ahoy!

For the first time this season it appeared that the entire Prem had locked itself into some kind of psychic constipation, unable to move beyond a torrid stalemate of attritional midfield tedium. And while a few games did manage to provide results – curiously enough many were resolved only in the last 10 minutes – there seems to have been an overabundance of draws this week. And as both Mans United and City are finding, draws aren’t going to be enough, you need to have the balls to try to win matches if you want to win anything. Just look at Tottingham, who have the perfect record, played 12, won 4, drawn 4, lost 4 and have significantly more points than if they had simply drawn all their matches. Man U are undefeated, but have only one more point than Arsenal, who have already lost three times, due to all those tedious draws they were snatching (or conceding) earlier in the season. Meanwhile, Boremingham, who with 12 points would actually be better off if they had drawn all their games (as their goal difference would be 0 rather than -3), sit just above the relegation zone.

Man U might consider a draw from a visit to Middle Eastlands and Man City a decent result, seeing as they were stuffed there a few years back, but that was before City went all nouveau riche on us and hit that embarrassing adolescence all developing teams hit when they feel that actually winning is somehow awkward and clumsy. Certainly if City are going to hold on to that fourth Big Cup place, they’re going to actually have to go out an try and win matches rather than being content with not losing them. Man U have to hope that both Chav Wanker and Valencia come back to something approaching fitness soon if they want to challenge for the top.

Arsenal continue to show all the signs of emergent schizophrenia. Following his shite performance against the big man of Newcastle, FlappyHanski showed that there is a great goalie in there by denying a forceful Wolves for the whole 94 minutes. And while he’s still not commanding his area in the way that the best keepers do, there was a vague sense of competence at the back of the Arsenal defence. Meanwhile, their attack is still operating on the principle that a return of one goal in 8 gilt-edged chances is somehow an acceptable return.

Chelski pushed on with a wholly average win over Fulham. Their paint by numbers win was marred only by Essien’s two footed leap at Clint Dempsey, who had previously elbowed Bosingwa in the head, and the continued presence of the useless Kalou, who must rival Arsenal’s Bentner for most irritating 4th choice striker. Surely Chelski have better players in their locker somewhere.

Tottingham continue to drag themselves further from next year’s Big Cup by managing to utterly dominate Sunderland before gifting them a goal and a point. It’s clear that even with a goal a game at home, Van der Vaart can’t camouflage Spurs’ defensive ineptitude. With Bale and the rest looking thoroughly contained by a barely adequate Sunderland team, that win against Inter is starting to look more and more like a millstone around Tottingham’s neck than a starting point for better things.

Stoke finally won. Although they only just managed to beat a tepid Boremingham, who are going to have to learn not to give away leads to their opponents before getting their act together (or not in the case of this match).

West Ham went 2 – 1 up against West Brom, before, yet again, realising that they are crap and conceding a goal. They seem to have a problem with the last 30 minutes of matches, conceding goals and games repeatedly. Although in their defence it must be said they also have a problem with much of the first 60 minutes of matches. They’re interesting because, like Wolves, you feel that there are 3 sides who are playing consistently worse football but with better results (I name you Blackburn, Wigan and Sunderland).

Speaking of Wigan, they managed to put the kybosh into the Liverpool Redsox story. You have to say that without Gerrard, Torres and Riena, Liverpool would be down and out among the dead men. They have a pisspoor back four, have hemorrhaged midfield creativity in the last two years (goodbye to Alonso and Mascherano, hello to Joke Cole, Poulson and Moreles) and have no one capable of deputising for Torres. They were lucky to scrape a draw here. In a continuation of the attendance malaise raised in Prem Week 11 Wigan’s stadium was barely two thirds full with 3,691 people fewer watching this match than the Championship match between  Leicester and Sheffield United.

Newcastle continued their fine record at home by losing to Real Blackburn. Their tactic of pumping it to the big man outdone by the fact that Fat Sam has more than enough big men of his own to mark and harry Carroll. Although obviously they didn’t bother to do anything sensible like mark or harry him for his goal. Newcastle did help them by having what can only be described as ‘a right pair of defensive fuckups’, which gifted Real their goals.

Everton continue to be their own worst enemy. They should have comfortably put Bolton to bed, but let them get ahead easily and then almost shot themselves in the foot by going down to 10 men, Fellani kicking out at Robinson after the latter had caught him in a nasty scissor tackle. Luckily for them they were able to claw a point back at the death.

Villa have to go down as the luckiest team this week. Despite being outplayed and outstyled for long periods by Blackpool, they managed to scrap a win from the jaws of drawdom with a last ditch set piece play. Blackpool continue to surprise, giving the impression that they are a team that not only enjoys their football, but is prepared to gamble on stylish backheels and through balls. They have a daring and ambition that Man City palpably lack. You wonder just what they would be like if Ian Holloway was in charge at Middle Eastlands. Maybe they’d have lost, maybe they’d have been stuffed, but maybe, just maybe, they’d have beaten the crap out of Man U.