WC2014 Holland 0 – 0 Argentina


The World mourns as the actual Death of Football is confirmed

The World mourns as the actual Death of Football is confirmed

Zombie Football – How Long Must This Suffering Continue?

Rumours of the apparent resurrection of the World Cup continue to shock and traumatise millions around the world. “The main feeling is a sense of disorientation and confusion,” said one parish priest as thousands gathered to express their concern for football’s misshapen, char-grilled corpse, which was last seen stumbling aimlessly around a pitch desperately trying to play out a turgid, incident free semi final.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” declared one unfortunate spectator. “They were just stumbling around, giving the ball away and hoofing it all over the place. It was like watching a really bad episode of Monday Night Football between Sunderland and Aston Villa. Nothing happened. Then they made us watch extra time and nothing happened for another 30 minutes. It was like sticking your head in a barrel of pig sick for a month and when you finally come up for air they tell you Ron Vlaar was man of the match. And all that time you’ve been forced to listen to commentary from Andy Townshend. I tell you this hell can’t continue.”

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WC2014 Brazil 1 – 7 Germany


Relief for world as Brazil declare the World Cup officially closed almost a week ahead of schedule

Relief for world as Brazil declare the World Cup officially closed almost a week ahead of schedule

End Of The Line As World Cup Closure Achieved 6 Days Ahead of Schedule

Brazil finally managed to put the nightmare of its inadequate World Cup preparations behind it by successfully closing the entire tournament a whole 6 days ahead of schedule. After years of criticism for its ballooning costs and inability to meet any kind of construction deadline, the Brazilian organisers were delighted to be able to shut the whole thing down prior to their final, final, I really mean it this time final deadline.

“Ever since we won this bloody thing, people have been trying to put us down,” said one local organiser jubilantly. “They’ve given us nothing but gyp for our catastrophically wasteful, spendthrift ways, our managerial incompetence, rampant corruption, and general stereotypical South American slaggardliness. Now, thanks to our magnificent team and the hard work of millions of ordinary Brazilians, we’ve been able to wrap up the World Cup many, many days before anyone could possibly have imagined.”

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WC2014 Cameroon 0 – 4 Croatia


Song goes all elbowtastic as he loses his mind and gets a red card sendoff

Song goes all elbowtastic as he loses his mind and gets a red card sendoff

Bingo Big Boy, That Was My Bonus

Poor Cameroon, they haven’t had it easy. First, they were delayed getting to Brazil due to a contretemps over win bonuses. Two losses later and the team is in trouble. Already out of the World Cup, they face a long wait for a cheap flight home on PeopleSmuggler Airways, and the very real prospect that, should they fail to win their remaining game against Brazil, the entire team will be sold off to the highest bidder in an attempt by the Cameroon FA to recoup the cost of this campaign. The prospect of a lifetime of indentured servitude (and not at £100,000 a week mind) has obviously had a seriously detrimental effect on the players, who have taken to extreme on-pitch measures to counter the threat.

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WC2014 Spain 0 – 2 Chile


World stunned as Spain's football king announces his abdication

World stunned as Spain’s football king announces his abdication

The Reign Of Spain Ends Mainly With Great Pain

“Mes Hombres,” began the tearful announcement, “it is over.” So spoke Spain’s once and former king as behind him legions of distraught workmen began the three day clearout of Iker Casillias’ trophy cabinet. Two European Championships, one World Cup, A World Youth Championship and six years of world domination had failed to slake his thirst. Like all great men he believed he was immortal. And like all great men he was mistaken.

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WC2014 Oztralia 2 – 3 Holland


Kapow! Tim Cahill vents a lifetime's worth of 'shortarse' anger in one massive volley

Kapow! Tim Cahill vents a lifetime’s worth of ‘shortarse’ anger in one massive volley

Bosh! ‘Ave A Bang On That

As chuckly cuddle boy Ray Winstone might put it. There are goals and there are goals. And so far this World Cup has had a good deal of them, but this one was a bit special. Like Robin van Persie’s goal of the season one from 2013, or indeed, Robin van Persie’s great goal at Arsenal the previous season, this was a crossfield ball dropped invitingly in front of a running striker, who met it on the volley and lashed it into the net with all the fury of a man who’s been told he will only ever score from headers. And while it didn’t have quite the psychological impact of van Persie’s Casillas crushing head dink of last week, it was a bloody good shot nonetheless.

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WC2014 Brazil 0 – 0 Mexico


Sadly the idea that a pan-galactic 'God' entity has a birthplace appears flawed

Sadly the idea that a pan-galactic ‘God’ entity has a birthplace appears flawed

God Conspicuous By His Absence Despite Use Of Placatory Hair Colouring

In the end not even the combined works of Kaka (who famously belongs to Jesus), Neymar and Danny Alves (who co-dyed their hair a resplendent urine yellow in homage) could bring God to the table today. Despite the fact that God is, self-evidently everywhere, always, the Lord of Creation failed to make an on-pitch appearance to help push the Brazilians to that magical six point mark and qualification for the impossible to find a decent name for Round of 16.

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