Extra Extra What We Learned At The Halfway Point


The Competition Has Kicked Off

Yes, the Second Round of Group matches were certainly better than the First Round. Most teams understood that they couldn’t simply defend all the time and play for a draw, even the Swiss, whose adoption of an almost ‘Neutral Country’ option has seen them regularly top both the Haven’t Conceded and the Haven’t Scored tables, realised that at some point they’d have to come out and have a shot, although to be fair they did have something that vaguely resembled a shot in the First Round and it paid off handsomely. The games got faster and more meaningful as we saw Matches That Mattered and teams realised that there was a very real danger of their World Cup ending later this week.

The Goals Are Coming

As teams threw off the shackles of defensive cowardice and started attacking we began to see more goals. Few teams were content to sit on a one goal lead and continued to press their opponents. Some goals were even good, although few of them were up to the Tshabalala standard. However, I distinctly remember exclaiming, “What a goal” more than once during Round 2.

The Cheating Has Started

Grab and Dive, with or without pirouette, is the order of the day. Compulsive penalty box wrestling at every set piece. Not that much deliberate diving, but plenty of subtle blocking and writhing around. All in an attempt to cheat your way to a free kick or some colour of card for the opposition, or both. Not good. I think if it continues, we will see some kind of tv replay system introduced on the fly, if only because the whole world is watching.

Lots of Empty Seats

Now that it’s getting serious I suspect we won’t be seeing too many empty stadiums, but I’d lay money that there will be empty seats at the Uruguay Mexico match, where both teams need only to draw to go through (0 – 0 anyone?). However, too many venues have been conspicuously less than capacity.

Who Has Been Naughty?

It’s goodbye to South Africa, France (very naughty), Nigeria, Greece (very bad),  Algeria,  Oztralia (awful), Serbia (painful). Cameroon, New Zealand (rubbish), Slovakia (tedious), Ivory Coast (unlucky to get Group of Death for the second World Cup in a row), North Korea, and Honduras. You are all officially too crap for the World Cup. Book your flights now.

Who Has Been Nice?

And it’s hello to Mexico, Uruguay, Argentina, South Korea, Ghana, Germany, Holland, Paraguay, Italy, Brazil, Portugal, and Chile. Nicely done South America.

And Who Is Bricking It?

Group C is totally up for grabs with two of Engerland, USA and Slovenia, the permutations are excruciating, but basically all teams have to win to be sure that they will qualify. In Group E Japan and Denmark will duke it out, a draw being enough to take the Japanese through. Group H is so complicated that Spain, Chile and Switzerland could all end up with 6 points and theoretically identical goal differences and goals scored, in which case as Spain will have beaten Chile, who have beaten Switzerland, who have beaten Spain lots would have to be drawn.  Makes penalty shoot outs seem tame by comparison.

And Who Is Really Bricking It Most?

Has to be ever-optimistic no-hopers Engerland, who just seem utterly unable to cope with the pressure of having to play a few matches away from home in front of large television audiences. Basking in unwarrented media acclaim and with performances getting more inadequate by the day, Engerland are a disaster waiting to happen. And while the French are imploding with a farcical degree of hilarity, Engerland can’t even manage an effective internal coup d’etat. One thing is clear, Wednesday could be the most excruciating game of football ever played.


What We Learned From Argentina vs South Korea (4-1)


Who’s Your Main Man?

No, it’s not little wizard Messi, it’s not even hat-trick hero Higuan, it’s the wee tiger tank Tevez. I love Tevez not simply because he kept West Ham in the Premiership, while at the same time almost bankrupting them; not simply because he massively fucked off Man U by helping them win the Premiership then flounced off to Man City; no, I love Tevez because he has the jawbone of a bull chimp and the attitude of Mike Tyson. In the same way that Tyson in his prime would just flip his switch and walk from one corner of the ring to the other while simultaneously giving his opponent the face pummelling they so obviously richly deserved, so Tevez simply rampages through opponents cleverly using his body strength to maximum effect. You sense that he is one of the few players in the Tournament who will always threaten to be a game changer.

The Argies Are Like Deputy Commissioner Rawls (Not Bunk Moreland)

For when it came time to fuck the lovely Bunk Moreland-like South Korea they were not gentle, they put the boot in, especially after the plucky Bunk Moreland’s delivered a stone banker murder clearance to make the score 2 – 1. No, nasty Rawls threatened to put the Bunk on the boat patrol with naughty boy Jimmy “What The Fuck Did I Do” McNulty.

You’ve Got To Make The Breakaways Count (pt 1)

2 – 1 down, the South Koreans have the best break of the game, a fantastic flowing move down the right side of the pitch, giving Yeom Ki-Hun the perfect opportunity to level the game. He missed and the Rawls juggernaut just kept a-rollin’. Goals change games and at this level you’ve got to score them. Still, hopefully the plucky South Koreans have done enough to get through this Group as you’ve got to bank them to stuff the Nigerians, while the Argies should roundly fuck the Greeks.

18 Down 46 To Go


What We Learned From Argentina vs Nigeria (1-0)


Handbrake On

This wasn’t the overall footy fest everyone anticipated as Argentina did what they needed to without overexerting themselves. Once they got a goal up, they spent their time tippy-tapping the ball about without ever really looking that threatening. Even so, without the excellent Enyeama in goal for Nigeria, Argentina would have won by a handful. You sense that if this had been a knockout round match Argentina would have gone all out for more goals. Certainties to top the Group.

Nigeria Aren’t Out Of The Group Yet

Although they had a few chances right at the death, Nigeria really never looked like getting anything out of this game and based on their performance I’d say they could even be held by the Greeks and well-beaten by the South Koreans. If I was a South Korean, I’d be smiling and not just because they’re topping the Group on goal difference.

Group B Is Better Than Group A

Not a great challenge I have to admit, but at least we’ve seen a glimmer of quality football. Only the rapidly approaching Engerland debacle (sorry that should read match) has any chance of overfootballing us today. Bring it on.

4 Down 60 To Go