WC2014 Oztralia 2 – 3 Holland


Kapow! Tim Cahill vents a lifetime's worth of 'shortarse' anger in one massive volley

Kapow! Tim Cahill vents a lifetime’s worth of ‘shortarse’ anger in one massive volley

Bosh! ‘Ave A Bang On That

As chuckly cuddle boy Ray Winstone might put it. There are goals and there are goals. And so far this World Cup has had a good deal of them, but this one was a bit special. Like Robin van Persie’s goal of the season one from 2013, or indeed, Robin van Persie’s great goal at Arsenal the previous season, this was a crossfield ball dropped invitingly in front of a running striker, who met it on the volley and lashed it into the net with all the fury of a man who’s been told he will only ever score from headers. And while it didn’t have quite the psychological impact of van Persie’s Casillas crushing head dink of last week, it was a bloody good shot nonetheless.

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WC2014 Brazil 0 – 0 Mexico


Sadly the idea that a pan-galactic 'God' entity has a birthplace appears flawed

Sadly the idea that a pan-galactic ‘God’ entity has a birthplace appears flawed

God Conspicuous By His Absence Despite Use Of Placatory Hair Colouring

In the end not even the combined works of Kaka (who famously belongs to Jesus), Neymar and Danny Alves (who co-dyed their hair a resplendent urine yellow in homage) could bring God to the table today. Despite the fact that God is, self-evidently everywhere, always, the Lord of Creation failed to make an on-pitch appearance to help push the Brazilians to that magical six point mark and qualification for the impossible to find a decent name for Round of 16.

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WC2014 Russia 1 – 1 South Korea


You. There. Now. Naughty Step. Bad Goalkeeper.

You. There. Now. Naughty Step. Bad Goalkeeper.

A Coup Too Far

What is it that former Don turned Kremlin Field Kommander Fabio Capello does to his goalkeepers? There has to be some kind of heinous training regime or hazing ritual he throws on them to ensure they are ready for a World Cup of Total Humiliation! (yes with capital letters and an exclamation mark, that kind of Total Humiliation!). First, poor Rob Green somehow spoons a simple USA shot into his own net in 2010, now, four years on and with an entirely different country lining his pockets, he has formerly solid Russian keeper Igor Akinfeev bloop the ball into his own goal.  It must be something really special as Capello remains the best paid international manager in the world.  You genuinely can’t buy that kind of talent for less than £6mil pa.

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WC2014 Belgium 2 – 1 Algeria


Bye bye FIFA World Cup pie, singing this'll be the day that I die...

Bye bye FIFA World Cup pie..  singing this’ll be the day that I die…

The Day The World Cup Died

No, not a repeat of the self-styled Most F-ing Tedious Match In The World EVER! where Switzerland play Ukraine until it feels like you’ve peeled all 126 layers off your eyeballs with a blunt potato peeler when it has only been going for 45 minutes (and there’s another 45 plus extra time to go). More like the kind of feeling you get when you’re bungee jumping off a really tall bridge in New Zealand and half way down suddenly realise that you forgot to tie on the elastic properly. It was all really exciting until now.

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WC2014 Ghana 1 – 2 USA


Americans wake up confused as they claim inaugural soccerball win over Ghana

Americans wake up confused as they claim inaugural soccerball win over Ghana

That Was A Bit Exciting

As you might say when you experience some unimaginable horror (like the Iran Nigeria match) and miraculously emerge unscathed. Despite having a  middle stint that best resembled a poorly run attack vs defense training drill, this match could not have been more different, as it exploded into life in the first and 82nd minutes.

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WC2014 Iran 0 – 0 Nigeria


Rescuers are overjoyed as they discover lone survivor of Iran Nigeria disaster.

Rescuers are overjoyed as they discover lone survivor of Iran Nigeria disaster.

Millions Left Scarred As Disaster Looms

One of the great things about this World Cup is that it almost makes you forget how turgid some of the so-called football we’re regularly served up actually is. Sadly this match jump cut us back to horrible Monday nights in November when someone on Sky is trying to convince you that Coventry v Norwich has any kind of attraction. Yes it really was that disasterous.

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