WC2014 Germany 4 – 0 Portugal


Thunk! David Attenborough  goes into overdrive as two Wolrd Cup heavyweights go into premature mating ritual

Thunk! David Attenborough goes into overdrive as two World Cup heavyweights go into premature mating ritual

The Wonderful World of Nature

Check out that extending baton finger. It looks like something out of one of those Terminator movies, where the sexually ambiguous T-8Million kills its victims by overextending its forefinger into their brainpan. Who would have thought that Portugal’s self-styled ‘most hated footballer’ would be able to assassinate his opponents so post-modernly? And by the way we’re talking about Pépé, not any other Portugeezer.

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WC2014 Argentina 2 – 1 Bosnia Herzegovina


Messi finally wakes up and scores his first World Cup goal since 2006

Messi finally wakes up and scores his first World Cup goal since 2006

A Strangely Subdued Experience

Whodathunkit? Everyone expected this to be an absolute cracker. Certainly all the matches we’d seen so far had put pressure on this one to deliver. And yet. And yet. And yet this really failed to get going for so long. If you wanted to produce a highlights package, you could comfortably have cut from minute 3 to the middle of the second half it was that nondescript. At the end it felt like things had just gotten started. And by then it was over.

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WC2014 France 3 – 0 Honduras


Crunch Time! The Hondurans demonstrate their 'robust' tackling style on Pauvre Petit Pogba

Crunch Time! The Hondurans demonstrate their ‘robust’ tackling style on Pauvre Petit Pogba

Oooof! That Was Painful

Well it’s not as if we hadn’t had some kind of an early warning about this. Engerland’s ‘friendly’ with the Hondurans gave ample insight into their sadly not unique playground brutality, not least when the Ox was taken out of the tournament after a particularly petulant encounter.  And while some may pine for the era of Chopper Harris and the legitimate ‘welcome’ from behind, this kind of behaviour has no place in the world of dilettante multi-millionaire playboy soccerstars.

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WC2014 Switzerland 2 – 1 Ecuador


I tell you that offside decision was 100% wrong. We should have had 3

I tell you that offside decision was 100% wrong. We should have had 3

Not Even The Swiss Can Stem The Tide

The Swiss. Long the most tedious nation in the footballing world. Host to the parasitic gerontocrats of FIFA. A nation with nothing to console itself with but the limitless black holes of its banking system and holey cheese that is not quite as nice as Jarlesburg. Damned by not one, not two, but three tournaments of stultifyingly tortuous soccerplay. The Swiss are simply too timid to be allowed in the Biggest Cup of All.

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WC2014 Ivory Coast 2 – 1 Japan


Late night World Cup football reduces fans to ever more ingenious ways to stay awake.

Late night World Cup football reduces fans to ever more ingenious ways to stay awake.

Get Ya Motor Running

Just no.  No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Or as the Brazilian commentators so beloved of TV and radio outlets everywhere might say, “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” Once again we can blame the corrupt filthpigs of FIFA for forcing us to remain awake, watching football for over 8 hours. That’s almost an entire working day, but in the middle of the night. And that’s just not on.

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WC2014 Engerland 1 – 2 Italy


Oh that sickening feeling as it becomes sadly obvious that something has gone horribly wrong

Oh that sickening feeling as it becomes sadly obvious that something has gone horribly wrong

Can A Loss Ever Be Good News?

It’s weird. I can’t help feeling less enthused for Engerland’s chances I ever have.  Yet I don’t feel despondent. I don’t think anyone realistically expects them to win the damn thing, and precious few expect them to get out of the group. What we all want, irrespective of results is an improvement in performance and some idea of future development.  In this, amazingly, Engerland just about delivered.

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