Premiership table legitimacy called into question as Newcastle sneak their way into 6th place

Is It Really 2010? I Must Get My Memory Tested

After a mere five weeks it feels like we’ve been bombed back into the stone age (or at least the tail end of last season). Chelski, despite still playing tiddly preseason opposition have ballooned their way into top position simply due to the evil Machiavellian plan of scoring lots more goals than their opponents. Arsenal, despite playing intricate tippy tappy football and still being a little bit flimsy have managed to beat the likes of bogey teams Bolton and Blackburn and score a passle of goals to keep them second. Man U, despite spunking goals and points, seem to have led the scramble for third, while once again Man City and Tottingham engage on the somewhat farcical ‘race for fourth’. Only the suspicious presence of Newcastle as sixth gives the game away and offers an air of unpredictability. So last week it was Blackpool as fourth, this week it’s Newcastle. What’s the betting that real world normality is returned next week as one of the more usual suspects ascends to sixth.

Meanwhile In The Crazy, Crazy, Crazy World Of Fat Sam Allerdyce

Hot on the heels of his remark that “I’d have got the Engerland job if my name was pronounced Allerdichay”, Fat Sam has conclusively got stark raving mental. Aside from the not inconsequential claim that “I’d win something every year if I was manager of Real Madrid or Inter”, a claim not backed up in any way by his lamentable track record, he’s now decided to rewrite the Laws of Football single handed by complementing the Stevie Gerrard ‘Quarterback’ role with the El-Hadji Diouf ‘Linebacker’ role. This involves the tactical cheating of simply attacking the goalkeeper as the ball is played into the box. Normally classified as both a foul and dangerous play, this innovative tactic shows Fat Sam’s moral bankruptcy and his complete incompetence. What a tool.

How’s About Them Games Then?

As the table suggests, did we actually learn anything new this week? Well, Arsenal‘s loss of a last minute goal deprived them of a win up North to Big Brucie’s Sunderland. Hard to tell whether they were upset, given they probably should have won, or pleased that they got a point that they wouldn’t have got last season. Still, weren’t they awesome against Braga on Wednesday? Man U‘s victory over Liverpool seemed to show that Rhino is still not showing up properly, while Berbatov seems to have emerged from his languid shadow and put in a hat trick that will endear him to the Old Trafford supporters. Liverpool were rubbish and their 2 goals totally flatter them. No one expected Blackpool to get anything from Chelsea and they comprehensively didn’t, but they seemed to keep Chelsea at bay for the entire second half. Chelsea, meanwhile, face the prospect of playing a real side for the first time this season when they play Man City next week and Arsenal the week after. With such poor opposition, it’s hard to say whether we have learnt anything about Chelsea this season other than like Engerland they don’t seem to be missing the corpulent presence of either Titface or Lumpy. If I were Titface especially I’d be really worried. I can see him and Man U’s Rio becoming peripheral figures at best by the end of the season.

Man City continue their attempt to become the most incoherent team in the league. Stuffed full of talent, they seem to be wholly reliant on the attack dog tendencies of Tevez, who will worry defences until they are bloody corpses on the floor. Following his football rape of Spain’s Pepe Reina, he did for the miserable Wigan defence to worry a quick goal out of them, before playing a nice assist for YaYa Toure’s goal. However, Manchini’s management of the team and his selections (no Adam Johnson, some Wrighty-Wright Phillips, only one defensive or midfield substitute) are puzzling. Man City should be dominating teams and intimidating them before a ball has been played, instead they’re perceived as a Euro League team at best. All players and no team, in stark contrast to, say, Chelsea.

Like Blackburn, Wolves are a bunch of low-end Premiership players trapped into a negative, unproductive tactical formation. Mick McCarthy’s reliance on ‘hard’ inaccurate tackling, playing the man as well as the ball is palpably not paying dividends. While Wolves’ goal here and their goal at Fulham last week were the results of good play, the fact is they lost both matches through their deliberate policy of physically attacking opponents rather than defending legitimately. Tottingham, like Liverpool against Man U, turned the game around by taking the ball and attacking Wolves, drawing the utterly predictable free kicks and penalty Wolves’ incompetence brings. One point out of the last three games against midtable opposition is relegation form and means Wolves are being found out.

Villa and Bolton, Everton and Newcastle, Blackburn and Fulham, were all thoroughly dull mid-table matches, the sort of dire occasions that Sky puts on on the Monday of a Champions League week to fulfill their requirement to feature these teams in live matches. Only the blatant cheating of Blackburn deserves any mention. On the balance of these matches, none of these teams will challenge the European places. Only Newcastle will see this as an achievement.

Down among the dead men, West Ham have a glimmer of hope, they have two players, Parker and new boy Obinna, who show promise and managed to scrape a point from Stoke, who need to find the ability to be a relatively permanent Prem team. While West Brom managed to get a moral boosting win over their rivals Birmingham.

Rob Green Save Of The Day

Unlike last week, this wasn’t a vintage week for keeper errors however much Green himself kept everyone guessing with a string of dodgy efforts. Equally things usually revolve around goal giving fuck ups and there weren’t many of those either. Blackpool’s Gilks, who was excellent against Newcastle, was dreadful against Chelsea, while Wigan simply gifted Tevez with his goal. But Save Of The Day goes to Fulham’s Brad Friedel, a potential target for Arsenal, who managed to not only get clotheslined by Diouf, but managed to make a great two handed tip over the bar while operating a good few yards outside his own area. Alternatively it is defender Paul Konchesky’s lamentable attempt to do a ‘Dirty Suarez’ and stop Berbatov’s third going in with his outstretched arm. He failed.