Archive for May 26th, 2011

What We Learned From Prem Week 38


The Fat Lady’s Sung And I Didn’t Like The Tune

Tell me something I didn’t know. The end of the season, for that’s what this week represents, is always a bittersweet moment. You win some (hopefully more than some), you lose some (hopefully not a lot) and there’s a few draws in there for good measure. And at the end, there’s a Champion, some Euro placement and relegation.

[pullshow]Man U’s winning of the Championship was no surprise. Not least because they’d actually won it (in the sense of having more points than anyone else could possibly have) over a week ago. [pullthis]Although for pretty much everyone the deed was done as far back as Week 31 when they came from 2 – 0  down at half time to beat West Ham 4 – 2, with Rooney driving them on and scoring a hattrick[/pullthis]. The change came so fast and so imperiously it was as if the other teams (all of whom played after Man U) had been sucker punched by a thug with a knuckleduster. Truly the stuff of champions. I was texting a West Ham supporter at the time and my messages went:

“West Ham somehow 2 – 1 up at home to Man U with 20 minutes to go. Any hope they can pull this one off?”

Time was not on my side as almost as soon as I’d sent that I had to send this: “Apparently not as it’s now 2 – 2. Can your boys salvage the point?”

“Apparently not,” I sent mere moments after, “as it’s now 3 – 2 to Man U. Can your boys keep it to just the one goal down?”

“West Ham play the Crackerjack Joker card and bring on Robbie Keane. That’s what we call an all-in gamble.”

“The gamble goes tits up as Man U score again. Can your boys keep it to just the two goals down?”

“Well,” I sent at the end, “your boys kept it to just two down, which is what we call a little victory. Or a pretty comprehensive defeat. Take your pick.”

Bar their defeat of Chelski a few weeks later, the rest of the season, including the 1 – 0 defeat to Arsenal, simply seems like filling in time until you get to the inevitable conclusion.

Indeed, it was only down among the dead men, in the struggle to avoid either relegation or the opportunity to play in next year’s Europa League, that there were any vestiges of drama left. There’s no doubt that the decline in Prem standards has meant that this season has been, if not more competitive, certainly closer. More teams can have a realistic expectation of beating most other teams and all three newcomers, Newcastle, West Brom and Blackpool, have proved capable of beating even big teams on their day.

So it wasn’t a surprise that on the last day there were five teams battling it out for only three places in the Prem next season. Blackpool, Real Blackburn, Boremingham, Wolves and Wigan were all staring into the abyss in a hideously Neitszchean fashion.

So? Who Got Out Of It Then?

Match of the Day was in ecstasy. The drama, the excitement. They were popping around from ground to ground like hyperactive children who’d done too much ribena and couldn’t hold the remote properly. So much so it made actually watching the football a little nauseous. But it was dramatic. And when the Fat Lady had sung, you’d never want to hear another tune.

Blackpool had the hardest task. Away to a Man U side who’d just won the title, they were obliged to form a guard of honour to welcome the Champions onto the field, before providing the hors d’oeuvres preceding the actual presentation of the trophy. Hardly the most auspicious of circumstances for a match that required Blackpool to get something out of the game. However, despite going a goal down early on, Blackpool were actually ahead 2 – 1 with 30 minutes to go. Could they do it? I almost thought about texting my Blackpool supporting friends. Too late as Man U draw level 5 minutes later.

Wolves, who’d spent so long in the bottom three that relegation had become an almost certainty were at home to Real Blackburn. A draw and both teams would have been safe. So it was no surprise that Real were 3 – 0 up at half time. And despite shipping two goals in the second half, Real were comfortable winners. Yet for Wolves losing has never been so pleasurable. Especially after Hunt scored a great last-minute goal to make it 3 – 2 after the crowd started singing “we only need a goal to stay up”. Once it was clear that both teams would survive the ball spent an awfully long time doing very little in the middle of the park.

With the least number of points and the worst goal difference coming into the game, Wigan needed to win. Fortunately they were away to Stoke, who, having lost the FA Cup in pathetic fashion, seem to have simply stopped caring. Not that that made it easy for Wigan, who struggled to stay in the match and would have been stuffed if goalkeeper Al-Habsi hadn’t been on form. Still they managed to score right at the death to win a place in the Prem next season.

Which left Boremingham. They shouldn’t have even been near the bottom, but 8 points from their last 12 games has seen them fly down the league and take their place at the bottom of the form table (closely pursued by Arsenal). Their away match to Tottingham, who were looking to cap off an exciting, if not totally successful season with an emphatic crowd pleasing win, looked to be tough. However, Spurs were poor, failing to boss the game as they have when they’ve been at their most dominant this season, and it ground down to a 1 – 1 stalemate, which Boremingham strangely seemed to accept even though the result would not have saved them. In the end they were beautifully and triumphantly relegated by a great strike from outside the box from Pavlyuchenko of all people. It was harder to tell who was the most shocked, Boremingham or the Spurs fans.

While the Champions League places had been resolved last week, the relative positions of Arsenal and Man City remained to be decided. Despite their best efforts the former had proved incapable of losing enough games to fall out of the big four, but needed Man City, top of the form table, to slip up (just like Arsenal did) away to Bolton. Man City provided further evidence that the secret tale of this season has been good defence and did their bit to ensure themselves third place. Arsenal continued their own personal voyage of discovery by only drawing at Fulham. You have to feel that with Champions League football assured and a cup final won, Man City have just had the season that Arsenal should have had.

Strange that the Europa Cup, what with its opportunity for huge amounts of Thursday evening European football (17 matches or nearly half a seasons worth from start to finish) and glamorous locations (like ten time zones away in Eastern Europe), doesn’t seem to hold the attraction of the Champions League. Could it be that the potential revenue increase (circa £5 million in TV and prize money for a finalist) doesn’t match up to the increased aggravation of an expanded squad left playing Prem matches on Sunday or Monday for much of the season? Certainly Loserpool RedSox and Tottingham seem to have lost their love for a European competition that isn’t the Champions League as they attempted to outdo one another and not qualify for fifth spot and the opportunity to join Boremingham and Stoke in the little cup.

Still, Tottingham couldn’t resist the opportunity to win their last game of the season at home, which kind of condemns them to the Europa League. Loserpool themselves did their bit by losing to an Aston Villa side who’ve yo-yoed up and down the league this season.

Who would have thought that a match on the last day of the season between two of the promoted sides would be so utterly inconsequential? With both Newcastle and West Brom Lovely Boys firmly marooned in mid-table mediocrity, it was very much a case of job done for both teams already, although this appears to be a greater achievement for Uncle Wroy than it does his Newcastle counterpart Alan Pardew. Newcastle proved to be nothing less than fully entertaining at home as they let a three goal lead slip to draw with West Brom. Three up and you only get a draw, only Arsenal can match that.

Everton, who appear to be becoming little more than a Premier League afterthought, finished their season by beating a Chelski side who had clearly lapsed into holiday mode and played some truly disinterested football, which reminded you of the worst periods of this season. Five points clear after 9 games, they should have won the league by a canter. In the end they appear floored by their own indifference and, in this case, an outstanding solo goal by Jermaine Beckford.

Rob Green Save Of The Day

Sadly no Hilarious Gomes on show at Tottingham, and while Szczesney might not have had his best day in goal for Arsenal he was fundamentally competent, if letting in two goals can be called that. And with no catastrophic rushes out of the six yard area and no stunningly incompetent back passes from the defensive minded, it’s been a poor week for the Rob Green Save Of The Day. So I guess the award has to go by default to West Ham’s Rob Green, if only because he’s never looked really stable at the back. Whether this is down to his goalkeeping prowess or, more likely, the result of having to play behind a defence as unutterably incapable as West Ham’s.