Handbags At The Ready Gentlemen

If footballers liked handbags, chances are they'd be handbags like this, only with go faster stripes and Nike logos all over

As we drift inexorably into ‘Real Squeaky Bum Time’, the psychological effects of a year in the Prem are beginning to manifest themselves. Now there are those of us who might say that in a season where we’ve seen Tevez huffing off after he decided he couldn’t be arsed to huff on, where Suarez refuses to confront the fact that he appears to be both a cheat and a racist, where ‘Appy ‘Arry can admit to his dog trousering a 10% fee for its role in the Peter Crouch transfer (or something like that), that the psychological effects might already have burst to the surface like a series of unsightly boils. But no, apparently that was only the start of it.

The Easter Fortnight (for that is what it is as any fule kno) has seen more Prem football being flung at us poor punters than it is humanly possible to actually absorb. Apparently we have jumped from Week 30 to Week 33 in the space of about 5 days. Flagship BBC football show Match Of The Day has had to go into total 24-hour nuclear lockdown, sacrificing not only presenter Colin Murray’s self-esteem, but doing away with those many ‘oh-so-amusing-not’ YouTube montages they seem to spend all their time putting together now that they can’t quite afford to buy any football highlights to show us. Shows on Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Wednesday have reduced all but the most stalwart of MOTD diehards to gibbering slime. Even former top pundit Hansen was sent out for a breather but he made the mistake of going to see one of Liverpool’s matches, which just indicates how mentally scarring the whole experience has been for all concerned.

So On To The Handbags

So, what with minor details like Who Will Win The Prem, Who Will Get The Big Cup Places, Who Is For The Drop and, most vitally, Who Is For Coming Above Liverpool In The Table still to be resolved, it’s no wonder that some in the Prem have begun to feel the heat. And while we haven’t seen anything quite as funny as the Dyer vs Bowyer bustup of the olden days, we saw a bevvy of on-pitch same team beatings (or team bondings as Craig Bellamy apparently calls them). How we laughed when plucky Wolves keeper Wayne Hennessey laid into experienced salt and alleged drunkard Roger ‘two relegations’ Johnson for the latter’s defensive fuckuperies.

How we doubled over when superMario went mental and started having it out with his teammates over who was going to take a free kick, as if that was going to make any difference to the finest slide down the table since Newcastle manager Kevin Keegan went ballistic on TV and gift wrapped the Prem for Man U all those years ago.

So What Has Been Happening On The Pitch Then?

Man U have turned their monster wheeled juggernaut up to 11 and have effectively simply bulldozered themselves into first place. Admittedly this is as much thanks to some very dubious refereeing over a number of matches as it is to their actual sporting prowess. It appears that where Man U are concerned refs and their support teams are happy to remain ignorant of the Laws of the game regarding both what is a penalty and what constitutes offside. Over the course of matches against Fulham and QPR, Man U have effectively been gifted six points (and the Premiership), while QPR could be taking the plunge into the Championship. So the next time Ferguson bitches about refs, someone should put him straight.

Meanwhile, former big cheeses Chelsea haven’t found themselves immune to the bonuses of refereeing stupidity. Their match against Wigan saw them gifted not one, but two clearly offside goals. Admittedly Wigan were able to score a totally legitimate goal, but apparently they still only count the same as offside ones the ref has given. So it was all the points Chelsea and a sack full of nothing (and hello relegation) for Wigan.

Not getting the benefits of anything are plucky spring chickens Tottenham Not-Quite-So-Hotspur. Their slide down the table has been matched only by Wolves and Blackburn, although admittedly neither of those has quite as far to fall, even if their landings will be oh so much more painful. Spurs are currently suffering what is known as ‘relegation form’ as they struggle to actually accumulate any points at all. It’s impressive to think that while Man City may have thrown away the title, Spurs have managed to turn a potential 13 point lead and third place into a possible 5 point gap and participation in the Race For Fourth/Sixth in just over a month. Still they’re in the FA Cup semis which will surely keep their fans happy. Until they are eliminated by Chelsea thanks to a no-doubt offside assisted goal.

Aside from one crap performance at QPR, Arsenal appear to have salvaged their season. Not content with rising to third, which given their appalling start to the season is nothing short of miraculous, they effectively ensured Man City would sacrifice the title by giving them as good a 1-0 kicking as it’s possible to do. Not only did they beat City, but superMario was sent off, lickspittle turncoat Nasri had the kind of game he’ll have to go into therapy to forget and Arsenal fans celebrated by doing the Posnan goal celebration as City players fought each other down the tunnel at the end. Ahhh, happy days eh?

Trundling around the mid-table marshes hasn’t been fun though. Stoke appear to be punching above their weight in 12th, given their goal difference suggests they should be around the 15th place spot, while the likes of West Brom, Swansea, and Sunderland look like they have certainly done enough to avoid relegation, but probably not quite enough to embarrass Liverpool. That feat is being left to Everton (currently embarrassing Liverpool), Fulham and, astonishingly, Naarich, who are merely three points behind the reds. A few more ‘Liverpudlian’ results and King Kitman’s Kombine could be involved in the very exciting Race For Tenth.

Down in Deathsville (population 6), it’s a grim life scraping in the dirt for points. Especially when you don’t just believe everyone is against you, but everyone actually is against you, including the refs. Wolves are discarding points like they were competition losing crisp wrappers, Wigan can’t score enough to compete with the poor decisions that are going against them, Blackburn can’t defend, QPR can’t keep 11 players on the field, Bolton continue to believe that David Ngog is a goalscorer and Aston Villa can’t seem to accumulate the 3 points they need to create real distance between themselves and the other poor suckers at the bottom.  The dream of relegation for McLeish, Hughes and Wolves is still very much on.