Archive for May, 2012

International Football: Norway 0 – 1 Engerland


Once Upon A Time In Oslo

It doesn’t get any better than this for ‘Appy ‘Arry. Amazingly for ‘Arry and his ‘accolytes in the media, it turned out that Engerland didn’t actually want him as manager after all and went off and, get this, appointed someone else instead! (I mean would you cheddar cheese it!?). Not only that but his ‘potential champions’ of the spring went all daft on him and managed to give third place in the Prem to a team that was out for the count in 16th earlier in the season. And then, he found out that all that hard work coming 4th was for nothing as useless lumpen defensive-minded sixth place Chelsea went and bloody won the Champions League, thereby snatching ‘Appy ‘Arry’s golden Champions League treasure out from under his grasping fingers.  Life eh?

Still it could be worse for ‘Appy ‘Arry. At least he has his ‘olidays to look forward to. Uncle Roy, the man who mischievously stole that Engerland job out from under ‘Arry’s nose, now actually has to go off and manage the bloody side. And in Euro 2012 too, a competition that everyone appears to be looking forward to like passport control queues, a competition Engerland qualified for with surprising ease and which now looks like being little more than an impediment to everyone’s holiday plans.  And get this, the team actually have to play some warm up games too.

All Aboard For Playing Badly…

Engerland’s first warm up in Oslo couldn’t be more of a Roy style game. First off it was up in balmy scandewegia where Roy first made his name as a manager and where he is still revered as a kind of very minor godling sort of thing – right up there with Kleenaro the God of Asgardian street sweeping. A pretty basic test against the kind of side you suspect Roy really admires, hard working, no real stars, good on-pitch playing discipline, nothing spikey, aggressive or eye-catching about them, good old mid-table mediocrities Norway. And Engerland showed every sign of buying into the Uncle Roy Way.

Remember this? For me this passing move out of defence into a threatening attacking position was the most impressive thing about Engerland’s last, relatively lacklustre performance against Holland. It showed that the Engerland players were not only capable of actually passing and moving the ball, but had the nerve to do it under pressure on the international stage. Sadly there was nothing in this dour match against Norway that demonstrated either capability.

Although Uncle Roy has only gained control over the players for less than a week, it’s clear that some of his footballing credo is sinking in. Roy’s a direct football man, maybe not a total devotee of Charles Hughes’ criminal long ball loving publication The Winning Formula: The Football Association Soccer Skills and Tactics (Roy was out there winning things his way long before its publication in 1990),  but a man for whom midfield tikitaka jiggery-pokery is something of an anathema. As a result he restricted his midfield to two players, Gerrard and Parker, thereby effectively forcing the team to play wide or long.

Admittedly it wasn’t all horrendous hoofball ‘lump it in to the big man in the mixer’ tedium, but it wasn’t far off. With a makeshift defence (no Cole, Cahill or Champions League Hero John Terry) whose primary responsibility is to be tight rather than proactive, and a midfield duo whose principle skills are the 180 degree shield, turn and backpass, and the 60 yard Hollywood Hoof to the feet of an opposition player, the only impressive stat the boys were going to bring home was no of completed passes to an opposition player.

Even so, Engerland did what they so often do. Scored early though a nice turn and pass from Carroll and a dribble and scuffer from Ashley Young, then fell back for 80 minutes of chaotic defending on the 18 yard line. And they were so successful at this that Norway ended up looking like Barcelona trying to find a way through the brick wall that was Chelsea.

Sure there were some odd, good moments. Stewart Downing’s miraculous appearance in the team was matched only by the miraculous cross he put in in the third minute which Carroll only just failed to convert. As if to illustrate the rarity of the event, Downing never repeated the feat. Carroll’s good feet when the ball wasn’t punted at him at 90 miles an hour. Wallcott and Oxlade Chamberlain combining for a neat penalty box 1-2, which just didn’t come off.  And Rob Green’s two or three saves, which must have helped him redeem something of his Engerland career.

Yet there’s really nothing good to take home from this game. It’s clear the Engerland players are still petrified of the ball and anxious to get rid of it as soon as it comes to them, they have no coherent plan for moving the ball from defence to attack other than the over the top hoofball, no understanding of how to pull the opposition out of position and create openings and no intention of dominating the midfield and therefore the game.

You can argue that it’s the first game under Roy, that the players are coming off a tough season, but it was clear that many of them, Gerrard, Downing, Invisible Henderson, Barry, Milner and particularly Phil Jones all had spectacularly bad days at the office. It was abundantly clear that, like Barcelona at the Camp Neu, it was Norway who lost it, rather than the visitors who won.


Archive for May, 2012

Palace Tweets


  • Garrard's pass completion rate fast approaching zero as yet another 40 yard spectacular flies unerringly to the feet of the Norwegians. #
  • Engerland fall back on low grade hoofball. I have seen the future and this ain't it. #football #Euro2012 #

Archive for May, 2012

Football: Prem Relegation Rubbish


This is how it is for the three teams going down. The exit route from the Prem

QPR: Carcrash Strategies

If Aguero’s last minute slam dunker was the way to win the Prem, then QPR’s scattergun approach is the epitome of how not to do the Prem. First, buy a job lot of Prem team rejects, wannabes and not-quite-good-enoughs signing them to long term, high wage contracts, then, following failure of said mercenaries, sell the club to another F1 supremo, sack your Championship winning but not quite up to the Prem manager and replace him with a man who thought Prem midfielders Fulham was too small a club for him, allowing him to buy another job lot of miscreants and loanees (more big, long contracts), then light the blue touch paper and stand well back. There will be fireworks.

What with Joey Barton, Djerbil Cissé, Trabaant, Wright-Phillips, Colin Warnock and his replacement Mark Hughes, QPR have been nothing if not hugely entertaining this season. Sometimes their football has been fabulous (such as when they lost to Newcastle), sometimes it has been atrocious, but it’s always been amusing. Not quite as amusing as the fabulous Four Year Plan documentary about their journey to the Prem promised land, but pretty bloody funny nonetheless.

Cissé is the perfect QPR player. His record of goalscoring interspersed with ridiculous red cards neatly encapsulates their rip-roaring,  upside down season. Good at points, terrifyingly bad at others. Half a squad (mainly the new buys) that deserves to be in the Prem, half the remnants of the previous years’ sides who clearly aren’t up to the job. It’s just their luck that there were three teams worse than they were trawling along the bottom this season.

One imagines another big job lot of newcomers arriving over the close season as Hughes beds in. I was impressed by his end of season interviews where he essentially said he wasn’t happy and that QPR were never going to finish that badly again while he was there. Big words for next season. For this one he’s just bloody lucky they didn’t finish any lower.

Bolton: The Beginning Of The End

Strange. You would never have thought that the loss of Daniel Sturridge (returning to Chelsea) and Elmander would have had such a catastrophic effect on a team. However, combine the loss of those goalscorers with the season long injury to Lee and the purchase of anti-goal striker David Ngog (the poor man’s Bendtner) and you really begin to look a goal drought in the mouth.

And there you have Bolton’s essential problem. The second worst home record in the Prem, an inability to score and a propensity to concede. It seemed as if the spirit had been sucked out of the team. Unlike Wigan, who stuck to their guns and ultimately just about did enough, Bolton found that their failure was contagious.

Blackburn: The Chickens Have Come Home To Roost

If QPR showed us the quintessential way of how not to do Prem survival, then Blackburn showed us the way to pretty much guarantee relegation. Alienate most of the players, including your key defensive stalwart – one of those players who epitomises the club they play for, and give support to a manager who clearly isn’t up to the task. Oh and get to the point where your entire crowd is booing the team from the word go during the last match of the season which you have to win to stay up.

Even so Blackburn had their moments. There was a truly bizarre win against Arsenal (during the latter’s flirt with relegation period), the astonishing win at Old Trafford and, er, that’s about it. The real problem with Blackburn, as with all the Relegation rubbish teams, is that it’s hard to say what they’re actually for. They have no coherent footballing philosophy, a squad of players who are lacklustre at best and would struggle at most other Prem sides. Indeed it seems as if part of the point of the Prem is to ensure that teams like this are sent off to the recycling bin that is the Championship. You sense that having bought the Prem back in the ’90s, Blackburn will have to spend a great deal more to scrape their way back.

Wolves: That’s The McCarthy Effect

Mick McCarthy represents everything the Prem is trying to eradicate, the supremacy of the internal spirit over actual technique, shouting over skills, the idolisation of the physical over ball-playing, the nostalgia for the ‘man’s tackle’ – the kind of tackling that Carlos Puyol refers to as a ‘failure of your defensive skills’ as good defenders should never let the game get to a position where such a tackle is actually necessary. Now you could argue that Chelsea’s Champions League win also epitomises the supremacy of spirit over skill, but I’d argue that in defending resolutely and effectively, without repeatedly fouling (or injuring) your opponents, Chelsea display exactly the kind of technique and ability McCarthy has never been able to get his teams to master.

Instead, he’s packed his sides with low grade journeymen, who clearly aren’t up to the speed and dynamics of the division. His record in the Prem, both with Wolves and Sunderland, more than bears this out. Like McLeish, his sides are filled with ‘enforcers’, men who aren’t afraid to ‘get stuck in’ and who seem to think that ‘showing character’ is synonymous with dangerous foul play. It’s no surprise that some of the lowest points totals in the Prem have gone to McCarthy teams.

Even so, the purchase of Roger Johnson (who has now enjoyed relegation with two Midlands sides in successive seasons) seems to have been a stroke of McCarthyite genius. Combining poor positional and technical ability with a propensity for drink, Johnson was tailor made for McCarthy’s footballing philosophy and he compounded the ‘Johnson’ effect by making him captain. Incompetent on the pitch and a destabilising influence off it, Johnson even managed to have a full on argument with his own keeper during a match. Now that’s class. Let’s hope none of this appalling shower ever make it back in to the league.


Archive for May, 2012

Football: Low Grade Prem Losers


Rapid Vienna fans taunt Villa after knocking them out of the Europa League for the second time. Not really related to the Prem, but a gem nonetheless.

Sunderland: A Tale Of Two Managers

It’s a ‘football fact’ (definition: not a fact at all but rampant conjecture) that replacing your manager gives a side a much needed mid-season boost. And certainly there’s the odd moment when things come together and, you know what, the unthinkable actually happens. More so that even Roberto di Matteo’s success at Chelsea, Martin O’Neill’s appointment at Sunderland is likely to keep the myth alive for a long time yet.

However, no matter how good the ‘new manager bounce’ Sunderland got, no matter how much the emergence of McClean will enthuse their supporters, the truth is that Sunderland are simply the best of the losers, a quartet of teams whose removal from the Prem would leave few but their supporters in distress. Unlike the mid-table mediocrities, these are by and large sides who have, fundamentally, no coherent footballing philosophy and little expectation of greatness beyond a decent cup run and the odd win over the big boys.

Despite buying in almost an entire team over the summer, Sunderland have done little to move forward. Cattermole’s consistent failure to learn how (and when) to actually tackle highlights the team’s inability to develop, while you sense that players like Richardson, Brown, O’Shea et al are simply running out of time rather than offering a new dimension to the team. And you sense that there really is no overall philosophy to their game. Still if getting rid of old manager Bruce is the one thing they did this season there’s no denying that it was a good thing.

Stoke: Cheating And Bullying Does Not Make A Philosophy

You can’t argue that Stoke don’t have a gameplan. True it might not extend to being a fully fledged actual philosophy, but there’s no doubt that there is a Stoke way of playing. It’s just that it isn’t playing football. Pulling shirts, barging keepers, kicking opponents and playing for touch is what separates football from the barbaries of rugger. And Stoke are playing rugger on their, specially nursed undersized pitch. You sense that refs give them the benefit of the doubt at their place as sending off the bulk of the side during the first half would be counterproductive. In fact, the only counterproductive thing is continuing to allow Pullis and his boys to play this way.

In Shawcross and Huth, Stoke have players whose enthusiasm for the physical outweighs their footballing abilities. That Koscielny has more bookings than Huth is, frankly, more of an indictment of the Prem’s poor refereeing standards than any indication of the legality of Huth’s actions. Shawcross still hasn’t learnt how to tackle either. Similarly having Etherington and Pennant in your side is no indication of quality. Nor is the ‘long throw’ anything other than a throwback to the era of Chivers. Nor does one great goal by Crouch justify a season of tiresome route 1 football.

Wigan: That’s Not Success, It’s An Indictment Of Failure

Sure Wigan’s escape (yet again) from the predations of relegation was impressive. Certainly their 20 minute mugging of Arsenal meant that the Race For Third went right to the wire. Yet their inability to actually get their act together for the first three quarters of the season and the fact that they survived the season in 15th rather than 17th is another clear indication of the lack of quality suffusing the lower parts of the Prem.

And sure there are things to applaud about Wigan. Unlike fellow losers Sunderland, Stoke or Villa, Wigan have a clear footballing philosophy and they’re capable of adapting it during the season to accommodate their failings. Their move to a back three marshalled by Calderwell was inspired. In Al Habsi they have the second best keeper in the lower half of the table (after Vorm), while Moses is one of the few players who have definitely improved over the season. And manager Martinez has been relatively successful in pushing the squad further onwards. Yet they are still perilously anaemic in front of goal, don’t seem to have that much midfield creativity and look to be severely lacking in any kind of depth.

Aston Villa: Everything That Is Wrong With The Prem

You have to pity Villa. They have had a truly rotten few years. Stuffed by O’Neill, when he flounced out five days before the start of last season (apparently after being told he couldn’t spend £6million of the Gareth Barry transfer money on Scott Parker), saddled with a heartbroken Houllier and then sucker punched by the appointment of Alec McLeish, Villa haven’t made it easy for themselves.

Villa’s path represents all that is dangerous about the Prem. Failure to get into the Champions League has cost them all their best players over the course of three years. Imagine the team if Milner, Barry, Young and Downing were still there (alright imagine the team if Milner, Barry and Young were still there). That’s the nucleus of a decent team right there. A nucleus that the arrival of Darren Bent does nothing to replace.

Add to all this the mind-numbing, brain curdling approach of McLeish and it’s no wonder that Villa’s own players began to wish the season was over some time in late December. It’s a tribute to McLeish’s skills that his every decision actually made the side worse. It’s a testament to how good the side could be that they weren’t relegated below Wolves.

All that said, Villa’s hierarchy have reacted quickly, recognising the danger, removing McLeish and appearing to search for a manager who will develop an appropriate footballing philosophy rather than just appointing one of the same old failure faces. Their ability to find one will go a long way to defining where they are next season.


Archive for May, 2012

Football: Premier League Mid-Table Mediocrity


That Swansea wall, it's not very tall - even when they're jumping

Fulham: What A Difference A Goal (Or 10) Makes

All in for the Prem's mid-table monstrosities

It appears that a goal (or 10) is the difference between a best of the rest team and the mid-table mediocrities. Yet nothing could be further from the truth. Fulham’s ninth place puts them at the tail of the best, while Liverpool’s eighth place appears to put them at the top of the mid-table mediocrities. Thinking about early season expectations it’s clear that Liverpool have badly flopped – a Carling Curse Cup win and an FA Cup final place is no compensation for a dire Prem season, while Fulham have exceeded their Prem expectations (if failing badly in the Europa League).

Indeed, the difference between a best of team and a mid-table mediocrity is often that the former end up being disappointed in their failure to get into the Champions League positions, while the latter overachieve by besting the also-rans and failures of the Prem. Fulham are a perfect example of mid-table mediocrity (and here we’re using the term mediocrity in the sense of ‘having only an average degree of quality and skills), a team that lacks any clear ‘stars’ yet has a suitable degree of talent to form a team. Players like Dempsey, Murphy , Pogrebniak and Dembele each have a fine level of skill and would be a valuable asset to the teams below or around them, yet you sense that they may not excel in the teams above them. Similarly it feels as if players like Duff and Senderos have had their days at the top table and found their places a little lower down the league.

Still, another fuck up of a season for Liverpool and one of these teams will be pushing for ‘best of the rest’ status.

West Brom: Uncle Roy Done Acceptably

I recall a few years ago, when ‘Appy ‘Arry went to an obviously relegated Portsmouth and inexplicably steered them to Prem survival, FA Cup glory and almost certain financial oblivion. No one believed he had done it. Yet Roy’s success at in transforming West Brom from yo-yo addicts to Prem mediocrities on a tight budget, without spunking millions on transfers, is equally impressive. And his pulling together a team that is somehow more than the sum of its parts is a quality Engerland will desperately need.

Even more than Fulham, West Brom epitomise the characteristics of the mid-table teams. Largely comprised of the journeymen of the Prem – I can’t think of a West Brom player who teams above them fantasise about buying, or who would genuinely improve a serious international side – West Brom is a triumph of team ethos and tactics over individual achievement.

And if football is about the challenge of competing playing philosophies, then the Fulhams, West Broms, Swanseas and Norwichs represent the triumphs of particular tactics over those of sides for whom ‘passion’ and ‘pride’ are shorthand for not having a clue.

Swansea: It’s Like Watching Pocket Pet Barcelona

Swansea and Norwich, both newcomers to the Prem, represent a welcome step forward for a league that has had something of an air of corruption and decay about it for the last couple of seasons. Unlike previous promoted sides like Wolves or QPR, you sense that both teams, Swansea in particular, have risen based on a clear, coherent footballing philosophy – a way of playing that isn’t simply hoofing the ball to the big man and hoping for a lucky knock down.  Indeed, Brendan Rogers’ side would be ill-advised to use the latter style, not least because their average height is about 3 foot 11.

More than any recently promoted team, Swansea have brought a genuine style to the Prem. Their passing has been fabulous and they have given games to all but the biggest teams. And even when they weren’t winning, they stayed true to Rogers’ philosophy. And unlike Fulham and West Brom, there are players here who could certainly be a useful addition to the bigger boys. Vorm is one of the keepers of the season, good for at least half a dozen extra points, Britton, Dyer and Allen comprised a midfield that most clubs would give their eye teeth for. And in Sigurdsson and Caulker they made some of the best use of the loaning system. It’s an indication of the quality of the side that Chelsea’s supposed ‘young great’ McEachran barely got an appearance, let alone a start. And an indication of the team’s quality that 11th seems a tad disappointing. Let’s hope Rogers, who has turned down an interview at Liverpool, can keep his team together and build on this success.

Norwich: Agriculture Goes Upmarket

At the start of the season Norwich looked certainties for relegation. They had the usual low level team’s problems coming to grips with the pace and dynamism of the Prem. Some of their early matches were littered with genuinely dangerous, late tackles and, in striker Grant Holt, they appeared to have the lardiest frontman in the business. Yet for all this, they persevered. Rather than playing a great passing game, they concentrated on being very hard to beat and pressing hard on the break.

More than practically any other side, Norwich showed the value of obdurate pig-headedness and tactical astuteness. And after a rocky start, they adapted their game to suit the Prem. And Grant Holt was a revelation. Sure he is a lardy as they come, but he has the kind of ballet feet that most strikers would kill for. But it’s an indication of the precarious nature of the mid-table teams that Holt senses that this is his moment to ‘better’ himself (Liverpool would love him) and has submitted a transfer request – never a ringing endorsement of a side. His 17 (yes 17) goals help separate Norwich from the low grade losers and relegation scrappers below them.


Archive for May, 2012

Football: Premier League Best Of The Rest 2012


Yahoo! Cisse celebrates bashing in another outstanding goal.

Newcastle Utd: Best In Show

Can it be that Newcastle actually started the season with Joey Barton in their ranks? It’s a measure of the stunning transformation in the side that it seems almost inconceivable that any of their previous olde engerlish spine of Nolan, Carroll and Barton were anything other than a distant memory for the club.

Their dramatic rise from mid-table mediocrity to the foothills of Europe is down to the most effective set of transfers since Wenger first brought in Viera, Petit and Anelka. Demba Ba, Cabaye and, above all, the inspired Cissé have blended spectacularly with Krul, Coloccini and the excellent if erratic Hatem Ben Arfa to produce the surprise team of the season.

If it was a bit of a shock to see Newcastle regularly holding down a top four position during the first half of the season, it was rewarding to see them there or thereabouts during the run in. Ultimately they were only undone thanks to losses to some of the big boys like Arsenal, Man City and, er, Wigan (although they weren’t the only ones to get a grand duffing by the upstarts).

It’s a tribute to manager Alan Pardew that Newcastle have become everyone’s second favourite team (narrowly pipping Swansea), playing great football and scoring tons of fabulous goals (3 out of the top ten goals of the season ain’t bad). And it’s a veiled compliment that all the big teams are looking at their star players. Let’s hope the team stays together for at least another year as I look forward to their participation in the Europa League – they’ll surely take it more seriously than Spurs or Liverpool and have a far more realistic chance of success. A season there and they’ll be ready for the Champions League.

Chelsea: That’s Not Rebuilding, That’s Killing Your Children

The first real disappointments of the season, Chelsea’s problems are a snapshot of the difficulties of the Prem. A successful side looking over the edge of the hill, they were desperate for rejuvenation, a dose of fresh blood to provide respite to the aging legs of the Drog, Terry, Lampard, Cole, Cech and co, while bringing on the second squad of Ramieres, Miereles, Malouda and, above all, Torres. Bouyed by an new manager, the Europa League winning André Villas Boas, what could possibly go wrong?

Strangely enough it seems that the aging big boys didn’t take kindly to being told that they were no longer the be all and end all of the club’s planning. Equally, new tactics failed to spark the new boys into action. You sense if Villas Boas had been able to get something (anything) out of Torres things might have turned out differently. Instead Chelsea flopped down the table (not as drastically as Arsenal, but pretty badly nonetheless) and serious action was required.

Amazingly Di Matteo has pulled the team around and despite only finishing sixth, their worst season for a long time, they have achieved Abramovitch’s dream of the Champions League final and have a genuine chance of winning the one prize he really values.

Everton: Overachievement As Standard

God knows what Everton manager David Moyes does during the summer. But whatever it is he really needs to change it. Everton’s season was, well, classic Everton. Start poorly, come good over the Spring and the run in and finish in the Top Ten. You sense that if only he could get Everton to kick off their season in, say, October rather than February, then Everton would be genuine contenders.

Instead, yet again, Everton are left to ruminate on what might have been. If only Pienaar hadn’t got googly eyes for the big time at Spurs, where his benchwarming stats were impressive, if only Cahill hadn’t been injured, if only they’d bought Jelavic in the Autumn rather than the Spring. If only they’d beaten Liverpool in that FA Cup semi-final.

Still finishing above Liverpool makes this a season to savour for the blues.

Liverpool: That’s Not A Season, That’s A Catastrope

£100 million+ spent on new players, a venerated manager with Premier League winning experience, the most expensive English striker, what could possibly go wrong? Try September 18. when possibly the worst Liverpool team in living memory was comprehensively shafted by Spurs at White Hart Lane. Liverpool were so bad that they were four down by the 67th minute and had lost two men by full time. After this, the team was simply a carcrash waiting to happen.

Add to this the kind of PR fuck up that only Gerald Ratner could dream about, as Liverpool managed to turn the Suarez/Evra racist incident from a mishap into a total disaster. Rather than coming out and saying something like , “hey, he/we made a mistake, we’re really sorry, Liverpool has always been about fair play and values, we’ve seen great players come to Anfield and their talent has never been related to their skin colour”, a move which might have turned a calamity into an advantage, they reinforced the sense of blind, pig-headed entitlement that suffuses the city.

They even managed to make winning the Carling Cup, where they scraped by a poor Championship side, look like more of a disaster than Arsenal’s loss the previous season.

With an seemingly endless set of failures, Carroll, Adam, The Invisible Henderson and, above all, Downing, Dalglish managed to turn even Liverpool supporters against him (albeit very politely). Whether he gets the chance to continue the job next season is highly debatable.