WC2014: Brazil 3 – 1 Croatia

Top Footballer Neymar

Easy peasy. Neymar celebrates possibly the softest penalty ever.

The Corruptocracy Strikes Back

Four years after the good ship Gerontocrat set sail from South Africa and pointed its way Westward, it has finally hit land. Or not so much hit land as impaled it with a gigantic spike that oozes filth and pus like a good ‘un.

Fresh from a diet of pure bribes and firstborn, the FIFA undead have docked in a land full of lovely fresh meat, an innocent land full of dreams and expectations ripe for bleeding. And who better to begin the bleeding than the tax ignoring, self-aggrandising corruptocrats of Blatter the Hutt and his merry pranksters?

Now they have finally sunk their claws into Brazil, burrowing like disgraced ticks into its lusty flesh, we’re ready for the football.

Now That Was A Disappointment

Having watched Brazil become a genuinely exciting side during last year’s Confederations Cup, it was a shame to see them emerge as a somewhat unpleasant, cheat-happy, foul-heavy group that barely pushed a pretty average Croatia side to a stupifyingly one-sided scoreline.

At first it all seemed to be going swimmingly. Like so many previous opening games, the home side seemed to have drastically underestimated the plucky Croats. They soon went down to a hubris happy own goal, following Croatia’s first meaningful attack. For the next 15 minutes, it seemed that they just couldn’t get into the game.

Then, just as unpredictably, Brazil were level. A nice run from Neymar, where he dodged through most of the Croatian midfield, was followed by a scuffer of a shot that really shouldn’t have bothered the Croatian keeper, let alone beaten him. To say Neymar was lucky is like saying Blatter the Hutt is only a little bit of a scumbag. He was massively helped by a clear ‘homer’ ref, who first failed to send him off prior to his goal, when he clearly armed Modric in the face, then gave him a present of a second goal after awarding the softest of penalties following Fred’s ‘fall’ in the box. He was doubly helped when the Croatian keeper failed to stop his penalty.

The Croats showed their true colours as they failed to really get into the game, rarely troubling the Brazillians’ shaky defence. Indeed , they only began to trouble them in the last few minutes, and then the game was up as Oscar toe-poked a winner home.

The Croats will rightly moan about the rubbish refereeing, but they basically didn’t do enough to dominate the game and threaten the Brazillians. The Brazillians will simply be glad to have won.

Things We Have Learned

  1. Brazil aren’t all they were cracked up to be.
  2. ITV’s commentary and programming are as shockingly bad as ever.
  3. Everything is rosy on Planet Blatter.


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