Relief for world as Brazil declare the World Cup officially closed almost a week ahead of schedule

End Of The Line As World Cup Closure Achieved 6 Days Ahead of Schedule

Brazil finally managed to put the nightmare of its inadequate World Cup preparations behind it by successfully closing the entire tournament a whole 6 days ahead of schedule. After years of criticism for its ballooning costs and inability to meet any kind of construction deadline, the Brazilian organisers were delighted to be able to shut the whole thing down prior to their final, final, I really mean it this time final deadline.

“Ever since we won this bloody thing, people have been trying to put us down,” said one local organiser jubilantly. “They’ve given us nothing but gyp for our catastrophically wasteful, spendthrift ways, our managerial incompetence, rampant corruption, and general stereotypical South American slaggardliness. Now, thanks to our magnificent team and the hard work of millions of ordinary Brazilians, we’ve been able to wrap up the World Cup many, many days before anyone could possibly have imagined.”

And, let’s face it, credit where it’s due. No one expected the Brazilians to put on such a show. For a side that has won the World Cup a record five times, playing at home, in front of a nation of emotionally supercharged fans, it took real guts to bow out and shut down what had been one of the most exciting first parts of a World Cup ever.

Sure the inexplicably named Round of 16 was chock full of excitement, what with the fantastic Brazilian Chilean penalty shoot out, the happy demise of the dirty cheating Urukhai and the unfortunate loss of the plucky USA following Tim Howard’s inability to save all 8 million shots on target the Belgians had. But the rest of the knock out round has been sourly depressing. Pretty much all four quarter finals were turgid, what with teams retreating into highly defensive, counter-reactive mode, setting themselves up more to counter their opponents than attempt to actually win their games.

Brazil’s Colombian kickfest was a bit of a low point. Similarly, Holland’s inability to actually score said more about Louis van Gaal’s inability to tactically adapt than his bizarre goalkeeping substitution for penalties did. He may dine out on his use of a ‘penalty specialist’, but his failure to read or change the game doesn’t fill anyone with confidence.

Given the frankly poor quality of the quarters, it is to Brazil’s credit that they decided to shut the whole thing down. Who would have thought that it would have been as easy as conceding five in the first half? If only Engerland (plucky, useless Engerland) could have thought of that, they wouldn’t have had to spend five whole days being held hostage while they waited to play their dead rubber match against the Costa Ricans.

So Brazil closed the whole thing out by shipping seven to the Germans, who seemed almost apologetic to have finished in such a reprehensible fashion. However, their loss is a nation’s gain as Brazil step up to the plate and become an organisational superpower.