The World mourns as the actual Death of Football is confirmed

Zombie Football – How Long Must This Suffering Continue?

Rumours of the apparent resurrection of the World Cup continue to shock and traumatise millions around the world. “The main feeling is a sense of disorientation and confusion,” said one parish priest as thousands gathered to express their concern for football’s misshapen, char-grilled corpse, which was last seen stumbling aimlessly around a pitch desperately trying to play out a turgid, incident free semi final.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” declared one unfortunate spectator. “They were just stumbling around, giving the ball away and hoofing it all over the place. It was like watching a really bad episode of Monday Night Football between Sunderland and Aston Villa. Nothing happened. Then they made us watch extra time and nothing happened for another 30 minutes. It was like sticking your head in a barrel of pig sick for a month and when you finally come up for air they tell you Ron Vlaar was man of the match. And all that time you’ve been forced to listen to commentary from Andy Townshend. I tell you this hell can’t continue.”

You have to hand it to tactical genius Louis van Gaal. Only someone as gifted as he could take a team with players as useless as Robben, van Persie and Schneider, play them for nearly four hours, not have a single realistic shot on target (let alone a goal) and come within 2 penalties of a World Cup final. Not even Argentinian wizz-kid manager Sabella could do that. His team of Messi, Aguero, Lavazzi, Di Maria, Higuan et al actually managed a goal against self-styled Most Disappointing Team of the Tournament Belgium, before they, too, failed to get a shot on target here.

And You Thought Iran Nigeria Was Dull…

Well, dull as that was, and gosh it was dull, this one was even worse. Yet as an English, one has to admire the way that Argentina have bored their way through into the World Cup Final. They’ve played six games and never once approached the thrilling dynamism of Diego Maradona’s side of four years ago. They’ve got the self-styled ‘best’ player in the world, a man who week in week out makes the best defenders in Spain and the Champions League look like muppets, yet can’t quite get past a man who plays poorly for Aston Villa on a regular basis. Not one but two world class strikers who can’t hit the target, let alone score and a defence that includes Demichelis. And they are in the World Cup Final. How the hell did that happen?